December 3, 2009
‘Did you see my hilarious shampoo commercial?’
Jim Elden is an award-winning advertising copywriter with more than 30 TV commercials under his belt, which he believes qualifies him to write best-selling novels and million-dollar spec screenplays.
“I’ve always been clever,” said the 28-year-old copywriter at Goodby Silverstein in San Francisco. “I wrote that campaign for the candy bars where everyone is naked and they make the ‘nut’ jokes. It was pretty awesome.”
And once the campaign starting racking up industry awards, Elden began believing his ability to come up with moderately humorous 30-second stories somehow meant he was talented enough to craft the perfect 110-page screenplay.
Unfortunately for Elden, most Hollywood producers don’t really care about his ad work.
“Every copywriter I know thinks he’s the next John Hughes,” said WME agent Bobby Wendell, referring to the fact that Hughes once worked in advertising. “But most of them are more like the plumber from Peoria who also has no chance in this business.”
December 2, 2009
‘Boondock Saints 2’ director riding high
December 1, 2009
Doppelgangster
Set in 1928, a Chicago mafia boss learns he has a long-lost twin brother – who has returned to take over the family business.
Writers: Peter and Bobby Farrelly
Christco
Jesus opens a chain of big box stores.
Based on a Sarah Palin tweet.
A Hampered Life
Melodrama about a stay-at-home mom who realizes her husband has been having all the fun…while she’s stuck doing the housework. And that’s it. That’s the whole movie. Lifetime circling.
Writer: Kimberly Blayne
November 30, 2009
Gives writers the ability to butcher 1,000+ movies and TV shows
In an effort to stay relevant in today’s marketplace, Final Draft has released a special edition of its famous scriptwriting software that focuses on remakes, sequels and adaptations.
“We’ve compiled the original scripts from classic movies, cheesy TV shows and high-concept books,” said a Final Draft representative. “Users can just click on a script, tweak a few character names – and voila! They’ve got themselves a remake.”
Given Hollywood’s current trend of mining every possible existing property for material, even the most obscure titles have been included in the program.
“From Sledge Hammer to M.A.N.T.I.S. to that one 60’s movie about flying cars, we have them all,” said the company rep. “It’s a great way for today’s writers to develop completely unoriginal work based on questionable source material.”
Final Draft plans to release a 3D edition focusing on toy properties in early 2010.
November 27, 2009
‘Cooking is her real talent’
After eating a third helping of the candied yams his daughter made for Thanksgiving, Allan Wilson beamed with pride.
“Now these are damn good yams,” he said to his wife Margaret. “Rhonda should cook for a living, instead of wasting her life writing sappy romantic comedies while she works double shifts at Starbucks.”
According to Wilson, the yams were “absolutely perfect,” while his daughter Rhonda’s scripts are “almost always sickeningly sweet, to the point where I’ve started blaming myself for her total lack of skill and ability. How could this be my child?”
“I know my parents just want the best for me,” said Rhonda, booting up her laptop in the Wilsons’ spare bedroom. “So they understand why I dropped out of grad school to pursue a career in Hollywood. I have a lot of creativity to share.”
When asked if she ever considered a career in the culinary arts, Rhonda seemed confused.
“But I’m so good at writing,” she said. “Cooking would be such an incredible waste of talent. Just ask any of the paid script consultants I work with.”
November 26, 2009
10. “Is it me, or do these yams look like Meg Ryan?”
9. “If the guy didn’t want to work for free, why did he become a writer in the first place?”
8. “I heard Ari’s party had three turkeys.”
7. “I’ll be right back, I have to post 10 more positive reviews of New Moon on Metacritic.”
6. “Wow Roland, these CGI mashed potatoes are delicious! You’re such a fucking genius.”
5. “Well, at least I didn’t produce All About Steve. That’s something to be thankful for.”
4. “God I love pumpkin pie! I need to call my assistant and fire her for never buying me one before.”
3. “Man, I’m gonna be needing the Lipitor tonight.”
2. “Aw shit. Who invited Dane Cook?”
1. _____________________
What did you hear over Thanksgiving? Drop it in the comments.
November 26, 2009
Also spends two hours mutilating potatoes
November 24, 2009
Gobble Time
A small New England town holds the first annual Thanksgiving Day eating contest, but things go horribly awry when the whole town falls asleep because of all the tryptophan.
Writer: Alex Jones
Plymouth Rocker
Based on the 17th century account of a Pilgrim musician.
Uncle Ken
A man is excommunicated from his family and city when he injures his nephew, a star NFL quarterback, during what was supposed to be a harmless backyard game of two-hand touch. Now it’s up to Uncle Ken to somehow quarterback the Chicago Bears to the Super Bowl! WTF?!
Writer: John Bender
November 22, 2009
Most significant planetary event since Big Bang
The Earth literally paused on its axis this weekend as a direct effect of the immeasurable hysteria created by the teen vampire sequel New Moon.
“We’ve been monitoring the situation since early summer,” said MIT professor Lance Bauman. “The trailer alone sent shockwaves through the planet felt on both poles and every continent in between. Once the actual film hit theatres on Thursday, it was simply too much for the universe to bear.”
And so the globe ceased to spin, breaking the laws of physics and sending scientists into a panic.
“I was actually at the Mann Criterion watching New Moon when I got the text from my boss telling me to get back to the lab asap,” said NASA physicist Rob Stokely. “As soon as the movie ended, I rushed over to the field office. Man, that Robert Pattinson is hot…how could Bella even be confused? Oh, and we’ll all probably die because of gravitational forces and whatever.”
