Valentine’s Daily
Groundhog Day meets Cupid’s arrow when a womanizer is forced to relive Valentine’s Day over and over until he chooses the right woman.
Writer: Sally Johnson
FameBots
A rogue TV producer invents a line of beautiful but troubled robots to serve as America’s next generation of reality stars.
Based on the 2008 Popular Mechanics article.
Stray Katz
A Christian family adopts a stray Jewish accountant named Joel Katz.
Writer: Ben Goldner
More like a ‘Cable Repair Guy’
Deadline Hollywood might be one of the industry’s most influential blogs, but because the commenting system is anonymous, much of the snark emanates not from actual members of Hollywood, but people who have no affiliation with the industry whatsoever.
“I know Jeff Zucker personally, and he’s twice as terrible as you say, Nikki,” Successful Producer Guy recently posted in the comments section. “I’ve worked with Zuck a lot over the years and it’s been no treat. I’ll be the first to celebrate when Comcast drops that turd.”
Despite identifying himself as “Successful Producer Guy,” Marvin James, the author of the post, is actually a cable repair guy from Omaha. Posting on Deadline Hollywood inflates his sense of self and makes him feel connected to the industry.
When asked if she would consider requiring site registration, Nikki Finke scoffed.
“Half the shit I post isn’t even true anyway!” she exclaimed. “Why would I hold my readers to a higher standard? This isn’t an actual news organization.”
‘Those hacks are just jealous’ he claims
Aspiring screenwriter Josh Wellmeyer recently took a break from five different unpaid “assignments” to address allegations that his free work is hurting other scribes, as well as the screenwriting community as a whole.
“Bullshit,” he said. “We’re all on an even playing field. I just happen to be a hundred thousand dollars less expensive than many of the pros, most of whom are hacks anyway.”
Added Wellmeyer: “Once you get past the huge money gap, it’s all about talent.”
Wellmeyer has even gone so far as to contend his actions are helping other writers.
“Those established guys are lazy as hell,” he said. “I’ve got like six assignments lined up and I haven’t had to pitch hardly anything. In some ways, I’m pushing those older writers to work harder for their money. I sure am!”
Producers couldn’t be happier with writers like Wellmeyer.
“It’s awesome. They totally devalue writers, making the process cheaper for us,” said an AMPTP spokesperson. “Sure, their work is kinda terrible, but we can always bring in a talented writer to fix it later. And since they’re so desperate, we can pay them a lot less than before. Thank you Josh Wellmeyer. Thank you.”
Knuckle Dragger
The man with the longest arms in the world must rob a bank to pay for his arm-shortening surgery. Based on true events. Shane Black rumored to script/direct.
Not So Jolly Today
The Jolly Green Giant goes on a rampage after G8 climate summit talks break down in Copenhagen.
Writer: Bob Anderson
The Penny Loafer
A slacker gets a telemarketing job that pays one-cent per phone call. He goes on to make $100k a year.
Writer: Jeff Gilles
If you’re bored, here’s a 30 Rock spec (PDF). That is all.
Also excited by plot detection app
The lives of Hollywood’s script readers just got a little easier, thanks to the new Apple iPad, which boasts an array of features designed to help lowly readers fly through the slush pile.
“I heard it has this facial recognition function that can sense if I’m bored while I’m reading a script,” said Thomas Martin, an assistant at UTA. “Then it automatically engages ‘skim mode’ so I only have to read every fifth page! I totally could have used this last night when I was reading that horror-comedy about giant bug people.”
Other features include plot detection apps, a touch-screen coverage wizard and perhaps the most innovative capability: the virtual reader.
“We’ve created four distinct ‘virtual reader’ personalities to review and respond to scripts,” said an Apple spokesperson. “There’s Angry Margie the wannabe-writer, Considerate Carl, the consider with reservations, Indie Mindy, the reader who hates mainstream scripts, and High-Concept Hal, who never thinks any ideas are big enough.”
Ultimately decides not to sign it
SkateBarding
Set in 16th century England, a young William Shakespeare leads a band of violent skateboarding poets in their quest to rule the cobbled streets of London.
Based on a play by David Mamet
Oh No My Best Friend Is Pregnant With My Husband’s Baby!
Plot being kept under wraps. Tracey Gold loosely attached.
Syringe of the Nerds
A nerd develops a “cool serum” to give to his friends, as well as a “nerd serum” to give to the football team.
Writer: Alex Bond
Tries to pass off rehearsed feedback as genuine light-bulb moment
Uber-producer Jerry Burnett, the creative force behind some of Hollywood’s highest-grossing comedies, recently suggested the same story idea in five consecutive meetings. In each instance, he pretended the idea was the result of on-the-spot brainstorming.
“Hey…I just thought of this, but what if the main character was overly attached to his Blackberry?” mused Burnett, for the fifth time in as many meetings. “It’s not a huge thing, but it’s one of those details that could really impact this character’s arc. I mean, take it or leave it…just a random thought that popped into my head.”
According to Mark Williams, one of the writers who met with Burnett during the streak, the Blackberry note was “interesting, but a bit forced.”
“It seems odd that we’d have a werewolf overly attached to his PDA,” said Williams. “It was almost like the idea fit into an entirely different story. Not sure what Jerry was thinking on that one.”
Predictions for Letterman, Kimmel, Ferguson, Fallon:
Last week, the world’s tallest man met the world’s shortest man at a promotional event in Europe. No word yet on what Jeff Zucker was paid for the appearance.
The Supreme Court has ruled there should be no limit to what corporations can spend endorsing political candidates. That shocked Fox News contributor Sarah Palin, who knew courts could be awesome, but not officially “supreme.”
In other news, President Obama will give his first State of the Union on Wednesday, presented by The Home Depot.
Octomom appeared in Star Magazine wearing a bikini. A lot of people have argued that the picture was Photoshopped, but the people at Star said her body was so ravaged, it was actually easier to just Photoshop your eyes before you looked at it.
The cast members of Jersey Shore have asked for $10,000 an episode for season 2. In lieu of the huge raise, they’d also be willing to accept a 2-year membership to the QuickGlow tanning salon.
Dozens of runners competing in a Chinese marathon were caught jumping into cars for part of the race. According to government officials, the runners never would’ve thought of something so sneaky if Google had just blocked news coverage of Jay Leno’s underhanded Tonight Show takeover.
An epic hockey fight in Russia’s under-10-year-old league resulted in a whopping 707 penalty minutes, and all the kids were sent to bed without their nightly shots of vodka.
Andy Dick was arrested for sexual abuse over the weekend after he groped another man and forcefully kissed him. Officials punished the comedian by placing him in a cell with one cot and six other men.
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