‘Twilight’ frenzy causes Earth to stop spinning

Most significant planetary event since Big Bang

The Earth literally paused on its axis this weekend as a direct effect of the immeasurable hysteria created by the teen vampire sequel New Moon.

“We’ve been monitoring the situation since early summer,” said MIT professor Lance Bauman. “The trailer alone sent shockwaves through the planet felt on both poles and every continent in between. Once the actual film hit theatres on Thursday, it was simply too much for the universe to bear.”

And so the globe ceased to spin, breaking the laws of physics and sending scientists into a panic.

“I was actually at the Mann Criterion watching New Moon when I got the text from my boss telling me to get back to the lab asap,” said NASA physicist Rob Stokely. “As soon as the movie ended, I rushed over to the field office. Man, that Robert Pattinson is hot…how could Bella even be confused? Oh, and we’ll all probably die because of gravitational forces and whatever.”

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