Monthly Archives: November 2009

Closer inspection reveals Roland Emmerich is mostly CGI

Pixelated hair gives away veteran director’s dark secret

emmerich-pixelated

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Nigerian screenwriter unable to convince Hollywood reps his email query isn’t a scam

‘Dear Esteemed Literary Agent…’ emails immediately trashed

Lagos-based screenwriter Amoka Denwar has not received a single response from his latest batch of query emails, which the 27-year-old Nigerian recently sent to more than 200 agents and managers.

“I don’t understand it,” said Denwar. “I’ve tried to be as professional as possible with my query. I simply request that people hear what I have to offer, then respond with their address, phone number and name so I can send them a copy. It really is an amazing opportunity for everyone involved.”

In an effort to convince people of his trustworthiness, Denwar has made it clear that he is of royal descent.

“I’ve tried everything, even formal emails addressing agents and managers by their full names, such as the Esteemed Mr. Nick Reed,” he said. “Still, nothing. I even tried telling people how much money they could make if they sold one of my scripts, but that didn’t work either. It’s very strange…I really thought I was on to something with my logline.”

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Family Guy somehow rips off 231 different TV shows in single episode

MacFarlane looking to get that number up to 300 by end of season

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Script Track – November 10, 2009

Miracle On 134th Street
Urban remake. Ice Cube attached to star as Kris Kringle.

Code of the Road
A kid goes on vacation with his best friend’s family, only to find out they’re all bloodthirsty vampires – and they want to initiate him!
Writer: Tom Enville

Beerzilla
The college town of Madison, Wisconsin is terrorized by a 30-foot frat boy thirsty for mass quantities of Natural Light.
Based on the CollegeHumor.com short.

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Aspiring writer spends six hours debating whether to sign release form

Also contemplates preemptively suing prodco for stealing premise

New Jersey scribe Allan Markum recently took the day off work to focus on “one of the biggest career decisions of his life.” Specifically, he was trying to decide whether he should sign Benderspink’s release form.

“I wasn’t comfortable with eleven aspects of the deal,” said Markum, referring to the 1-page, industry-standard release. “It’s like the whole document is geared toward protecting Benderspink. What about my rights? How do I know they won’t just steal my script, cast a bunch of big-name actors in it, turn it into a $400 million blockbuster…and then leave me out of the profits entirely?”

Chief among Markum’s concerns was the clause indemnifying Benderspink should they happen to already be developing a concept similar to his submission.

“See, now I’m thinking they’ve already seen my query,” he said. “They probably sent me this ‘special form’ to trick me into signing away the rights for my totally original love potion comedy. I talked to my cousin, a divorce lawyer in Philadelphia, and he said I could probably sue them right now.”

For now, Markum plans to simply keep a close eye on Benderspink – and every single project they develop or produce over the next decade.

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Unemployed agent refuses to let repo man get his BMW

‘Recession or no recession, that’s my fucking Beamer!’

bmwMark Hanson can no longer afford the $939 monthly lease payment on his silver 650i convertible, but that isn’t stopping the 34-year-old former WMA literary agent from trying to hang onto his most prized possession.

“Let’s just say those bastards have to find ‘Chelsea’ before they can tow her,” said Hanson. “And I’ve got a lot of friends with three- and four-car garages. I’d rather die than give up my baby.”

Hanson, whose actual baby lives with his ex-wife and is draining his savings at an alarming rate, doesn’t regret leasing the car eight months ago, despite the fact it was nearly twice as much as he could afford.

“I was a big-timer,” he said. “I mean, I’m still a big-timer. Look, the point is the BMW is mine. And anyone who thinks he can take it from me has another thing coming.”

Hanson then removed the foreclosure notice from his home’s front door, tore it up and pretended like the whole thing never happened.

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Man convinced home video of angry squirrel is the next ‘Paranormal Activity’

Teaser website already in the works

squirrel2

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Script Track – November 3, 2009

The Goats Of Christmas Past
A lonely farmer is haunted by three goats he used to fornicate with back in the 70s.
Based on the novel by Jethro Callahan.

Baldwinia
Two women find themselves trapped in a world where every man alive is a different Baldwin brother.
Writer: Danny Baldwin

Purrposal
Animated tale. Plot being kept under wraps.

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Russell Crowe totally excited about bartender’s romantic comedy script

Actor always on the lookout for scripts from strangers

International film star Russell Crowe couldn’t wait to get home last night so he could read bartender and aspiring screenwriter John Feingold’s romantic comedy “Drinking Buddies.”

“I came in looking for a beer,” said Crowe. “But I’m pretty sure I left with my next project. I mean, I’ve been offered scripts by waiters, prostitutes, limo drivers, police officers, the homeless, FedEx workers, gardeners and countless other random people – but something tells me this bartender’s story is the one.”

According to Crowe, it gets “extremely tiring” reading quality scripts from produced writers who have proven themselves time and time again. That’s why he’s always on the lookout for scripts from absolute strangers.

Feingold wasn’t surprised by Crowe’s enthusiasm for the project.

“Most Hollywood scripts are the same. This one isn’t like that at all. Any actor would be lucky to play the lead in Drinking Buddies,” said the bartender, who’s currently part of a writers’ group in Pasadena. “Russell wouldn’t necessarily be my first choice, but at least it would let him show his range.”

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