Producer shocked to learn ‘garbage man’ a real job

Thought it was just something extras did in movies
Jeff Belsin has spent the last 15 years in the bubble of Hollywood, detached from reality. So when his wife told him the garbage man didn’t take the refrigerator they left out behind the house, Belsin was perplexed.
“Wait, garbage men are real? People literally go around picking [...]

Ron Howard spotted smoking 3-foot bong before AFF panel discussion

‘Just needed something to calm nerves’ he claims

Desperate producer tries to convince studio that fortune cookies count as ‘existing properties’

‘There are only so many comic books in the world!’ he claims
Mosaic producer Bob Tremble was recently shot down by Paramount execs when he tried to convince them that the fortune he found in a stale Chinese cookie last month could be the basis for a four-quadrant tentpole film.
“Who knows how many people have already [...]

Producer tries to convince Fox exec his movie idea is ‘five quadrant’

Studio not buying it

Veteran writer replaced by that chick the studio exec bangs on Tuesdays

‘She’s great in a room’
Sheila the receptionist is finally getting her shot to write a feature film, thanks in no small part to the fact she lets Paramount exec Ronny Halperin “have his way with her” every Tuesday afternoon in her Santa Monica studio apartment.
“I’ve always loved Hollywood!” exclaimed Sheila Madison, 22, a high school [...]

Brian Grazer morphs into actual force of nature, wreaks havoc in Hollywood

Uber-producer now an F5 tornado
Best known for producing hit films like ‘Liar Liar,’ ‘Apollo 13’ and ‘A Beautiful Mind,’ Brian Grazer will now be forever linked with the destruction of Hollywood, after the 58-year-old native Californian transformed into a tornado and randomly devastated the city.
“We’ve always joked about [Brian] being a force of nature,” said [...]

WMA and Endeavor nix merger just to prove Nikki Finke wrong

‘Her shrill reign of terror has gone on long enough’ say agency officials
Negotiations between William Morris and Endeavor had been riddled with personnel and structural disagreements for weeks, but the agencies finally agreed to call off merger talks for a surprising reason yesterday: to prove Nikki Finke wrong.
“[Finke] always tries to get ahead of the [...]

Little kids prepare for future Hollywood jobs by torturing bugs

Beverly Hills, CA – Johnny and Margie Hirsch terrorized their ant farms for three hours yesterday, learning some of the valuable skills they’ll need to become movie hotshots like their parents.
The kids even employed a sophisticated “crush and flush” method perfected by studio heads in the mid-eighties. Each time the worker ants made any progress, [...]

A Quick Review Of The Week’s Top News…

12/17/08
SAG changes logo to double-smile in bold PR move
‘Might help with negotiations’ says guild prez

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12/16/08
CAA celebrates 1,000,000,000th query letter rejected
Venerable agency throws lavish party to commemorate ‘ass-tightedness’

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12/15/08
Ben Silverman back on the crunk

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12/14/08
Grateful screenwriter finds quarter in futon

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12/13/08
Your script dies a hero in producer’s fireplace

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12/12/08
Gilroy takes Diablo Cody’s advice, turns to stripping
Scribe hopes it will bolster [...]

Jeff Zucker’s head inflating into shape of actual dick

Even pal Ben Silverman starting to get freaked out about it