‘Cooking is her real talent’

After eating a third helping of the candied yams his daughter made for Thanksgiving, Allan Wilson beamed with pride.

“Now these are damn good yams,” he said to his wife Margaret. “Rhonda should cook for a living, instead of wasting her life writing sappy romantic comedies while she works double shifts at Starbucks.”

According to Wilson, the yams were “absolutely perfect,” while his daughter Rhonda’s scripts are “almost always sickeningly sweet, to the point where I’ve started blaming myself for her total lack of skill and ability. How could this be my child?”

“I know my parents just want the best for me,” said Rhonda, booting up her laptop in the Wilsons’ spare bedroom. “So they understand why I dropped out of grad school to pursue a career in Hollywood. I have a lot of creativity to share.”

When asked if she ever considered a career in the culinary arts, Rhonda seemed confused.

“But I’m so good at writing,” she said. “Cooking would be such an incredible waste of talent. Just ask any of the paid script consultants I work with.”

10. “Is it me, or do these yams look like Meg Ryan?”
9. “If the guy didn’t want to work for free, why did he become a writer in the first place?”
8. “I heard Ari’s party had three turkeys.”
7. “I’ll be right back, I have to post 10 more positive reviews of New Moon on Metacritic.”
6. “Wow Roland, these CGI mashed potatoes are delicious! You’re such a fucking genius.”
5. “Well, at least I didn’t produce All About Steve. That’s something to be thankful for.”
4. “God I love pumpkin pie! I need to call my assistant and fire her for never buying me one before.”
3. “Man, I’m gonna be needing the Lipitor tonight.”
2. “Aw shit. Who invited Dane Cook?”
1. _____________________

What did you hear over Thanksgiving? Drop it in the comments.

Also spends two hours mutilating potatoes

Introducing Hollywood’s most questionable spec scripts of the year. Wow.

2009 Turkey List (PDF)

Gobble Time
A small New England town holds the first annual Thanksgiving Day eating contest, but things go horribly awry when the whole town falls asleep because of all the tryptophan.
Writer: Alex Jones

Plymouth Rocker
Based on the 17th century account of a Pilgrim musician.

Uncle Ken
A man is excommunicated from his family and city when he injures his nephew, a star NFL quarterback, during what was supposed to be a harmless backyard game of two-hand touch. Now it’s up to Uncle Ken to somehow quarterback the Chicago Bears to the Super Bowl! WTF?!
Writer: John Bender

Most significant planetary event since Big Bang

The Earth literally paused on its axis this weekend as a direct effect of the immeasurable hysteria created by the teen vampire sequel New Moon.

“We’ve been monitoring the situation since early summer,” said MIT professor Lance Bauman. “The trailer alone sent shockwaves through the planet felt on both poles and every continent in between. Once the actual film hit theatres on Thursday, it was simply too much for the universe to bear.”

And so the globe ceased to spin, breaking the laws of physics and sending scientists into a panic.

“I was actually at the Mann Criterion watching New Moon when I got the text from my boss telling me to get back to the lab asap,” said NASA physicist Rob Stokely. “As soon as the movie ended, I rushed over to the field office. Man, that Robert Pattinson is hot…how could Bella even be confused? Oh, and we’ll all probably die because of gravitational forces and whatever.”

Wannabe screenwriter less talented than boss, secretary and janitor

Aspiring screenwriter Joe Grable has written more than a dozen scripts since 2002, but despite his belief to the contrary, this doesn’t mean he’s a better writer than his coworkers.

“Everyone at the office is jealous because they know I’ll be a big Hollywood writer someday,” said Grable, a claims adjuster at a Seattle-based insurance company. “I mean, I’ve been repped for six months now, so it’s clearly going to pop for me soon. I just feel bad for all my coworkers, stuck in their dead-end jobs.”

While Grable’s coworkers don’t wish him any ill will, they do dispute the fact that he’s the best writer among them.

“I’ve read Joe’s scripts, and frankly, they’re fairly mediocre,” said Jerry Smith, Grable’s boss. “Now Tony the janitor…that guy can write. I once read a self-published novel of his, and he’s way more talented than Joe. Also, Glenda from accounting once wrote me a birthday card I enjoyed more than any of Joe’s scripts, which he incessantly forces us to give him feedback on.”

Added Smith: “Of course anytime we give him criticism, you can see that vein in his forehead bulging. Then he mumbles something about talent and stalks off in a huff.”

Thought it was just something extras did in movies

Jeff Belsin has spent the last 15 years in the bubble of Hollywood, detached from reality. So when his wife told him the garbage man didn’t take the refrigerator they left out behind the house, Belsin was perplexed.

“Wait, garbage men are real? People literally go around picking up trash for a living?” he asked. “I thought that was some horrible job writers made up to add grittiness to movies and episodes of Law & Order.”

After realizing her husband wasn’t joking, Belsin’s wife suggested it might be time to switch professions, or at least take a vacation.

“I’m beginning to worry that Jeff doesn’t realize there’s a world outside of movies where people struggle and lead normal lives,” she said. “His idea of struggling is when a movie gets stuck in turnaround and he doesn’t collect his production fee.”

According to sources, Belsin also believes people routinely trade places with animals, and cars explode when you shoot them.

Macintouch
Steve Jobs places a spell on a lifelong PC user, and now everything the man touches turns into a Mac product.
Writer: Alex Star

Wedding Planner Guy
A former SportsCenter host becomes a testosterone-crazed wedding planner that goes head-to-head with the bride’s wedding planner to ensure the groom’s special day isn’t too “girl-focused.”
Writer: Brent Berman

The Yellow Brick Roadie
Raunchy romantic comedy remake of the 1939 classic, The Wizard of Oz.
Based on a pitch by Judd Apatow.

Pixelated hair gives away veteran director’s dark secret