‘I’m the guy from that penis pump infomercial’ says vaguely familiar actor
AFTRA member Bob Donner has appeared in more than 15 informercials or corporate videos since 1987, giving him a wealth of experience he hopes to draw on if a SAG strike comes to pass.
“Studios can’t just stop making movies,” said Donner. “Sooner or later they’ll need someone to play Hercules or Superman or maybe even the next [James] Bond. And I’ve got the chops to do just that.”
Added Donner: “I’m the guy from that penis pump commercial.”
When asked what he thought of AFTRA members taking the jobs of guild members, SAG President Alan Rosenberg was diplomatic.
“Well, we’re supposed to be negotiating partners with AFTRA in this whole thing, so I can’t be too critical of them,” he said. “At the same time, it’s kind of a joke, right? Last time I checked, Paramount wasn’t about to prop up its latest tentpole with a guy who once did voiceover work for a Taco Bell radio commercial.”
“I can do everything Russell Crowe can do, for a fraction of the price,” he said. “Just give my new plugs a week to take hold, and I’m good to go.”
The Incredible Hick
A hillbilly who makes money selling his body for medical experiments turns into a mulleted monster every time he uses dipping tobacco.
Based on a pitch. Larry The Cable Guy attached to star.
Roses For Winter
The heart-wrenching story of a woman who falls in love with a terminally ill man who has always wanted to grow his own roses. But it’s winter and he only has two months to live…
Writer: Diane English
Raunchy vampire sex comedy.
Based on an original idea by Diablo Cody, who is very proud of the ‘wicked clever’ title, although she also liked ‘Fuckbloodies’ and ‘Neck Popsicle Crew.’
‘Mistook him for brisket’
Hollywood reps disappointed by scribe’s work, despite ‘promising’ last name
Aspiring screenwriter Michael Goldenbergstein should be cranking out hilarious scripts left and right, claims Endeavor agent Josh Hanson.
He just isn’t.
“It’s like the guy isn’t even Jewish at all,” said Hanson. “I figured he might be the next Woody Allen or Larry David, but now I’m thinking he’s just German or Polish or whatever. Talk about a letdown.”
Hanson wasn’t the only rep taken in by Goldenbergstein’s query letter.
“You see a name like that attached to a script called ‘Beer Run,’ and you get your hopes up,” said Brent McGowan of William Morris. “But I gotta tell you…I didn’t laugh once. Chosen, my ass. This guy probably hasn’t eaten a bagel in years.”
Ye Olde Foreclosure
A 16th century family is forced out of their Tudor home for not paying tariffs to the King of England. Now the only way to get their dwelling back is to make a balloon payment before it is auctioned off to the local Lords.
Writer: Scott Dern
An overweight security guard finds himself trapped in a Hostess factory with thieves trying to steal the secret recipe to the pastry company’s newest treat: Strawberry Twinkies.
Spoof. Based on a pitch by Craig Mazin.
Star Trek meets Crocodile Dundee in space. Working title.
Multiple studios swirling.
‘Still did it, though’ says ten percenter
Literary agent Justin Grey has been snorting cocaine off the asses of Hollywood strippers for years, ever since he got promoted out of the CAA mailroom. But the hard economic times are starting to make Grey wonder if his days of hitting The Body Shop three nights a week will soon be over.
“With the way things are going, I treat every ass-snort as if it could be my last,” he said. “You just never know when that next big spec sale might go through. This market is so tough.”
Instead of cutting back on his habit, Grey has been brainstorming cheaper alternatives, should times get really desperate.
“Maybe I wouldn’t have to share so much blow with Spice or Destiny if I snorted it off their elbows instead,” said Grey. “That could save a bunch of money right there.”
When asked what his nightmare scenario would be, Grey didn’t blink:
“Smoking crack with a hooker,” he said. “God help me if it comes to that.”