Monthly Archives: November 2008

Church of Scientology unveils controversial full-page ad in Variety


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Script Track – November 11, 2008

A lonely computer nerd working on anti-spam software accidentally blasts his dating profile to 100 million women – with his real name attached to it! Holy fuck!
Writer: Paul Haggis

Untitled Jessica Simpson Project
Described as Legally Blonde written by a teenage girl.

Allergic To Love
An uptight career woman with no time for love meets the man of her dreams at a corporate conference in San Diego, but it turns out she is physically allergic to him.
Based on a pitch by Valerie Bertinelli. Lifetime has already put in an offer.

Wife From Hell

A man finds out his wife is the devil.
Writer: Ellis Klug

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Local screenwriter accounts for 12% of all Maruchan Ramen sales

Officials at the Maruchan Corporation were recently surprised to learn aspiring screenwriter Bob Mallard of Santa Monica accounts for 12% of worldwide ramen sales.

“Breakfast, lunch, dinner…his appetite for our Styrofoam meals knows no bounds,” said Samuel Anderson, VP of marketing for Maruchan Instant Lunch Ramen Noodles. “But we’d be kidding ourselves if we thought he wouldn’t start buying real food should he happen to sell one of his high concept scripts. Oops, did I say high concept? I meant crappy. Don’t read them!”

While it’s not uncommon for starving artists to depend on cheap meals to get them by, even Mallard was shocked to hear he was having such a profound impact on a Japanese food conglomerate.

“Maybe I can parlay this into a script sale,” he said. “Like, if they don’t fund my next project I’ll stop buying Creamy Chicken Flavor or something.”

According to people who have read Mallard’s scripts, that “may actually be his best shot at success.”

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Will Ferrell to star in religious version of Liar, Liar

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Script Track – November 4, 2008

Kosher Tacos
A Jewish man falls in love with a Mexican woman and tries to woo her by opening a taco stand in her neighborhood. Indie potential. Jonathan Silverman attached to star.
Writer: Avi Rosenbergstein

Straight into studios, plot being kept under wraps. Based on a pitch by Jack Black.

The Boob Job

A desperate housewife who can’t get her husband to pay for breast implants decides to rob the bank he works at.
Writers: Joel & Ethan Coen

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Even James Wan getting tired of ‘Saw’ movies

Despite another successful run at the box office, executive producer James Wan walked out of a recent showing of the fifth installment of his ‘Saw’ franchise feeling upset and disappointed.

“It’s just the same movie over and over,” he complained. “It’s almost like we’re not even trying anymore.”

When told he could easily fix the problem by producing different kinds of films, Wan was intrigued.

“I never thought of that,” he said. “Then again, that would involve me coming up with a new idea – and I’ve only had like one of those my entire life. I guess we’re all stuck with Jigsaw for another five or six movies.”

Unfortunately for Wan, the public may force his hand. While audiences are turning out for Saw V, most of them have expressed disappointment with the experience.

“This would have been an awesome movie if I had seen it like a week before the original one back in 2004,” said Troy Blanton of Woodland Hills. “But all things being equal, it’s kind of a shit sandwich.”

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