Monthly Archives: January 2009

Oscar statue redesigned to reflect size of recipients’ heads

Inflated egos better represented with new ‘Bobblehead Oscar’


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Script Track – January 27, 2009

Dog Shrink
A disgraced psychiatrist discovers a second career as a pet shrink, only to suspect his first canine patient, a Rottweiler, is a serial cat murderer. Oh no!
Writer: Todd Rodanthe

Feelings & Emotions
A young couple goes out to dinner and spends the whole time talking about love, marriage and how they feel about companionship.
Writer: Diane English
Meg Ryan attached to star.

Uwe Boll country-western pic. Exact plot being kept under wraps, mostly because it’s so laughable it would scare off potential investors.

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Meet The Spartans snubbed by Academy

Filmmakers shocked ‘poignant satire’ was overlooked

meet-spartans-posterEvery once in a while, a movie comes along that’s so unique and compelling, it’s a lock for Oscar gold. Such was not the case with Meet The Spartans, a sweeping spoof comedy that was completely locked out of this year’s nominations.

“It’s probably because the voters are lame-ass shit-dongs,” said Spartans co-director Aaron Seltzer. “This film has more gay jokes than Slumdog Millionaire and Milk combined. It’s like the Academy doesn’t even care about that stuff.”

Seltzer’s directing partner Jason Friedberg agreed.

“Blow me,” he said. “We worked on this script for like 45 minutes, and we don’t even get a single nod for Best Screenplay? That’s why we did the scene with Leonidas shoving the Oscar statuette up his ass. It’s a comment on the state of film critique in this country. Those fucknards are only interested in retarded movies that make most people want to vomit.”

According to Academy president Sid Ganis, Meet The Spartans was given proper consideration.

“Each film is judged on its own merit,” said Ganis. “Our members take their roles very seriously. Unfortunately we don’t yet have a ‘Worst Film’ category, otherwise Spartans certainly could’ve been nominated.”

Ganis then suggested Friedberg and Seltzer try making a quality film next time around.

“You know, one that doesn’t seem like it was written by a dyslexic 9-year-old,” he said.

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Script Track – January 20, 2009

Sprung Break
Two wrongly accused felons escape a supermax prison in Florida. With the law hot on their heels, the two grown men hide out in Fort Lauderdale disguised as teenage spring breakers from the Midwest.
Writer: Johnny Knoxville
Knoxville and Ashton Kutcher in talks to star.

Grandaddy Day Care
The final in the trilogy.

Oops I Ate My Neighbors
A horror-comedy about a mild-mannered man who can’t stop eating the people in his building…until he falls in love with the hot chick in apartment 2A. Will he be able to curb his appetite for flesh? Or will he eat the only girl he ever loved?
Writer: Simon Pegg

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Teen watches 30% of ‘Yes Man’ between text messages

‘2bh idgi’ he texts buddies

Niles North High School senior Ted Landmeyer watched nearly a third of the Jim Carrey pic ‘Yes Man’ last night, between text messages, naps and talking with friends on his cell.

“It was kinda hard to follow,” said Landmeyer. “I mean, why is he all of the sudden saying yes to everything? Whatever, did you hear Scott Pender totally banged Lisa Steltz under the bleachers? She’s such a slut.”

According to various text messages sent by Landmeyer during the film, ‘Yes Man’ was “nf at all” and “not kewl.” Adults who went to the same viewing as Landmeyer had a different take on the experience.

“Why do these kids even bother going to movies if all they want to do is text their friends?” asked 45-year-old Ron Ellard. “It’s a complete waste of money, and it ruins the viewing experience for everyone around them.”

When asked what he thought of the movie, Ellard agreed with the teen’s general assessment.

“Not funny,” he said. “I’ll probably blog about it later on Facebook.”

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Script Track – January 13, 2009

Romantic comedy about a fat guy who falls in love with a beautiful woman. Despite the fact he’s a janitor and she’s a doctor, the 300-pound dude charms his way into the woman’s heart – solely by making her laugh and “not being an asshole.”
Based on 29 different sitcoms. Kevin James attached.

A man’s father-in-law is a vindictive midget and oh the hilarity that ensues.
Writer: Mike Myers

A scientist develops a gum that works as a love potion, but also causes whoever chews it to speak in Old English.
Based on a sugar-free gum commercial from 1997.

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iPhone helps agent reject queries faster than ever

Can crush dreams with a few presses of the finger


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Script Track – January 6, 2009

Sports Bar & Girl
A high-powered corporate attorney inherits her estranged father’s sports bar in a rough part of Boston – and get this – she decides to quit her job and run it! But it turns out okay since she meets the man of her dreams, a plumber from Southie.
Writer: Tammy O’Malley

A politically incorrect romp about two scientists who ‘cure retardedness.’
Writer: Mike Judge

Untitled Investigative Journalist Spec
A journalist researching some mundane story stumbles across the biggest scandal in the history of western civilization. It’s a conspiracy that runs so deep, you won’t even understand it long after you’ve read the last page.
Based on an upcoming book by John Grisham.

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Hollywood professionals return from “vacations” surprisingly orange

Refuse to admit they couldn’t afford lavish trips this year

ICM agent Lisa Rendell returned from “two weeks in Hawaii” refreshed, happy and dark orange, according to her assistant Molly.

“She looks like an Oompa Loompa,” said the assistant. “I thought she went to Maui, not the paint aisle at Home Depot. Her face is nasty.”

Rendell wasn’t the only one looking a bit off-color. Nearly 72% of industry professionals came back from their “warm weather destinations” looking as if someone slapped a coat of orange paint on their normally pale skin.

“It was like an army of George Hamiltons coming at me,” said a Beverly Hills Starbucks employee, of the unusually colorful morning crush. “I thought these people were supposed to be rich. Maybe they couldn’t afford vacations this year, but they didn’t want other people to know.”

Despite the telltale signs of spray-on tans, many in Hollywood refused to acknowledge the fake tanning.

“South America is so amazing this time of year,” said Mosaic producer Dan Flacco, resembling a member of the Gotti family. “Man, my life is fucking fabulous.”

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THR Video — Roland Emmerich Oscar Buzz?

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