Academy Awards producers formally change theme of show to “Christian Bale Celebrity Roast”

Vilanch begs FCC to lift profanity ban for telecast

Looking to improve ratings for the once-proud Oscars telecast, producers Bill Condon and Laurence Mark have decided to scrap the show’s traditional format in favor of one focused solely around Christian Bale’s rant on the set of the new Terminator film. Exact details are not yet known, but here are…

THE TOP TEN THINGS TO LOOK FOR DURING THE ACADEMY AWARDS BROADCAST

10. Show begins with elaborate, unfunny sketch in which Hugh Jackman snaps on some production assistant who wanders on stage behind him
9. Christian Bale screws up video apology to fans by calling them all “fucking retards” when he thinks the camera isn’t rolling
8. Hugh Jackman admits Bale was supposed to host the show, but the FCC put the kibosh on it “for some reason.” Jackman fills the ensuing dead air with a blank smile and/or his next comment is bleeped out
7. Joke about the good old days when crazy actors just flipped out on Oprah’s couch
6. Elaborate stage production featuring two dozen men in Batman costumes re-enacting what Bale probably complained about on set of Dark Knight
5. Bale awarded Oscar for Best Actor In A Swearing Role
4. Pathetic joke about security not letting Bale in because they heard rumors he might be trying to sneak in a few thousand “f-bombs”
3. Three different award recipients promising to go “all Bale” on the orchestra director if he doesn’t let them finish
2. Terrible joke about how Barack Obama should’ve been sworn into office with one hand on Christian Bale’s head
1. Show sucks once again, almost as if it was written and produced by a bunch of people over 50 who still think jokes about gays and Jack Nicholson make for great comedy

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