A Jewish Army Ranger struggles to observe his duty to both God and country after the Army insists he eat bacon and fight on the Sabbath.
Writer: Matthew Goldwitzberg
Placekicker From Hell
Satan comes to Earth disguised as the placekicker for the Oakland Raiders.
Based on a pitch by Sebastian Janikowski.
The true story of the incompetent morons who lost your luggage on that flight from LaGuardia to LAX last week because they forgot to put the proper sticker on all three suitcases. Idiots.
‘This is just the break I need!’ exclaims irrational hack
Screenwriter Jake Friedman has been unable to land a literary agent for the past six years, a failure he attributes solely to the fact he wasn’t related to anyone in the biz – until now.
“I was talking to my mom yesterday, and she mentioned that my second cousin Karl just got a job on a desk at ICM,” said Friedman. “I’m so in, baby. It’s on like Donkey Kong!”
Friedman, a talentless hack from Illinois, currently slings burgers at a local Carl’s Jr. and writes science fiction screenplays in his spare time.
“I’ve had to dodge seven of his calls in two days,” said Karl Blankenship, Friedman’s reluctant relative. “I’ve only been at ICM for like a week…the last thing I want to show my boss is a 134-page shitpile about a race of alien sex slaves who need mankind’s help to escape their bug-like captors.”
According to sources, Friedman has already informed 11 people that he will be a full-time screenwriter by June.
‘What? I thought it was a nice gesture’
Merger talks between Endeavor and William Morris Agency recently hit a snag when Endeavor head Ari Emanuel offered to put WMA’s Jim Wiatt out of his misery by taking him to a field and “putting him down.”
“Apparently, [Wiatt] wasn’t interested in that kind of arrangement,” said Emanuel. “I even offered to let him do it himself, on his own terms, but he wasn’t interested in that either. I don’t think he has a full grasp of the situation.”
According to industry experts, Wiatt may want to reconsider.
“If it were me, I’d rather have it over quick,” said a rival agency CEO. “In many ways, Jim really does remind me of Old Yeller, actually.”
When asked for comment, Wiatt scoffed.
“That’s just Ari being a prick again,” he said. “Everyone knows I’m indispensible, no matter what Nikki Finke reports on her blog. What the hell is a blog, anyway?”
Discussions are ongoing.
‘The urine will stop once the indiscriminate yelling does’
Texas Scold ‘Em!
A group of plucky 9-year-olds try to save their families’ homes from foreclosure by hitting Vegas for a Texas Hold ‘Em tournament under assumed identities. ‘21’ meets ‘The Goonies.’
Writer: Kevin Cantrell
The Dude That Time Forgot
A badass rock star wakes up from a 20-year coma, only to realize the world is full of whiny punk-ass bitches and he needs to teach America to rock all over again.
Based on a pitch by Danny McBride.
A laid-off factory worker disguises himself as a 12-year-old Mexican boy so he can work at a sweatshop in El Paso’s garment district.
Writer: Steve Defrona
News comes hot on heels of MacGyver, ALF announcements
According to a recent report on IMDB.com, the somewhat-memorable 80’s sitcom Small Wonder will be coming to a theatre near you in Fall 2010 — not a moment too soon for the show’s eight remaining fans.
While the original premise centered around an adorable domesticated robot named Vickie, the upgrade will focus on Vickie’s tumultuous foray into the outside world, where she strives to be a relevant member of society in a dystopian future filled with more deadly, less adorable robots outfitted with machine guns.
“We all know Vickie is tough, as evidenced by the show’s intro where she picks up a whole couch with one hand,” said producer Mark Reynolds. “But this new world of death and destruction will really put little Vickie to the test as she struggles to avenge the murder of her entire family.”
Despite the dark tone, Reynolds insists Vickie will be cute as a button, just like we remember her.
“Unfortunately, the actress who played the original Vickie has aged 20 years since the show went off the air…through no fault of her own, of course. She wasn’t really a robot!” said Reynolds. “We’re thinking one of those Gossip Girls could play the 2010 Vickie.”
The news of a Small Wonder reboot comes just days after it was announced MacGyver, ALF and Mr. Belvedere would also be getting the big-screen treatment.
A sexually repressed 6th grade science teacher takes a trip to Transylvania, only to return to his small town school a cross-dressing vampire – which of course whips the whole town into a tizzy. Duh!
Writer: Jorge Banez
Perms of Endearment
Remake of the 1983 classic, only this time it’s set in the world of competitive hair styling.
Danny Devito producing.
That Time Dad Fell Back In Love
The super-cute story of a widower who finds a new love, as told by his daughter, the most precocious darn 11-year-old you’ve ever seen.
Writer: Karen McCullah Lutz
Resulting ‘Syfy’ exactly what you’d expect from a toddler
Unable to come up with a relevant brand identity on its own, the Sci Fi Channel recently laid off its entire marketing department and gave sole creative control to Billy Bernstein, 3, of Hoboken, New Jersey.
Just three short minutes later, the toddler had wowed company executives by randomly placing children’s building blocks in a pattern that somewhat resembled the word “Syfy.”
“At first we were worried Billy wasn’t taking this seriously,” said Sci Fi president John Vanderpool. “But then he took the blocks out of his mouth, stopped drooling and spelled our network’s name in the most peculiar way…almost like a text message or tweet or something. It was sheer brilliance!”
According to witnesses, little Billy was so pleased with his effort he immediately crapped himself.
“I nearly crapped myself too,” said Vanderpool. “I mean, to think that we’ve spent nine months and millions of dollars trying to come up with some hip, unnecessary new branding identity – and this kid did it all between sips of grape juice. I can’t wait to see how non-toddlers react to ‘Syfy.’”
Beverly Hills, CA — Johnny and Margie Hirsch terrorized their ant farms for three hours yesterday, learning some of the valuable skills they’ll need to become movie hotshots like their parents.
The kids even employed a sophisticated “crush and flush” method perfected by studio heads in the mid-eighties. Each time the worker ants made any progress, Johnny crushed them under his thumb and Margie flushed them out of the system with cold water.
“Maybe someday I can be a studio exec and crush a writer or director’s career like I crushed this ant,” said Johnny. “That would be so cool.”
The kids are always looking for ways to practice being Hollywood big wigs. Monday they plan to steal Randall Newbauer’s book and try to pass it off as their own during fourth period show and tell.
“Randall Newbauer’s a nobody,” explained Margie. “Mrs. Jensen would believe us over him any day of the week.”
A man visiting China catches a mysterious flu that makes him gravely ill – but also deadly dangerous and skilled in martial arts!
Writer: Tommy Defong
Untitled Snuggie Comedy
Based on the popular blanket with sleeves. Eddie Murphy attached to star.
A brilliant Harvard undergrad hits her head during a car accident. The girl’s memory is fine, but 100 points are knocked off her genius-level IQ, rendering her a moron. Can she study her way back to normalcy before finals?
Based on a pitch by Drew Barrymore.