Resulting ‘Syfy’ exactly what you’d expect from a toddler
Unable to come up with a relevant brand identity on its own, the Sci Fi Channel recently laid off its entire marketing department and gave sole creative control to Billy Bernstein, 3, of Hoboken, New Jersey.
Just three short minutes later, the toddler had wowed company executives by randomly placing children’s building blocks in a pattern that somewhat resembled the word “Syfy.”
“At first we were worried Billy wasn’t taking this seriously,” said Sci Fi president John Vanderpool. “But then he took the blocks out of his mouth, stopped drooling and spelled our network’s name in the most peculiar way…almost like a text message or tweet or something. It was sheer brilliance!”
According to witnesses, little Billy was so pleased with his effort he immediately crapped himself.
“I nearly crapped myself too,” said Vanderpool. “I mean, to think that we’ve spent nine months and millions of dollars trying to come up with some hip, unnecessary new branding identity – and this kid did it all between sips of grape juice. I can’t wait to see how non-toddlers react to ‘Syfy.’”
Beverly Hills, CA — Johnny and Margie Hirsch terrorized their ant farms for three hours yesterday, learning some of the valuable skills they’ll need to become movie hotshots like their parents.
The kids even employed a sophisticated “crush and flush” method perfected by studio heads in the mid-eighties. Each time the worker ants made any progress, Johnny crushed them under his thumb and Margie flushed them out of the system with cold water.
“Maybe someday I can be a studio exec and crush a writer or director’s career like I crushed this ant,” said Johnny. “That would be so cool.”
The kids are always looking for ways to practice being Hollywood big wigs. Monday they plan to steal Randall Newbauer’s book and try to pass it off as their own during fourth period show and tell.
“Randall Newbauer’s a nobody,” explained Margie. “Mrs. Jensen would believe us over him any day of the week.”
A man visiting China catches a mysterious flu that makes him gravely ill – but also deadly dangerous and skilled in martial arts!
Writer: Tommy Defong
Untitled Snuggie Comedy
Based on the popular blanket with sleeves. Eddie Murphy attached to star.
A brilliant Harvard undergrad hits her head during a car accident. The girl’s memory is fine, but 100 points are knocked off her genius-level IQ, rendering her a moron. Can she study her way back to normalcy before finals?
Based on a pitch by Drew Barrymore.
Unfunny romantic comedy wreaks havoc on Hollywood
More than a dozen assistants and script analysts were senselessly killed this week by “Sports Bar & Girl,” a painfully stale romantic comedy penned by aspiring screenwriter Frank Drennan of Skokie, Illinois.
“It’s just so horrible,” said an ICM executive, referring to both the script and its path of destruction. “I nearly lost my life after reading just a paragraph of the coverage. This writer has no respect for human life…or dialogue.”
According to UCLA physician Allan Chu, death by boredom is more common than ever, thanks to websites like Triggerstreet.com, which encourage talentless hacks to deluge innocent Hollywood assistants with queries and, sadly, the brutal scripts that follow.
“Historically, death by boredom was caused by activities like attending church or watching softball on television,” said Chu. “Nowadays, bad screenplays account for 74% of all boredom-related deaths. One minute you’re suffering through convoluted action descriptions, and the next minute your life is over.”
Sports Bar & Girl marks Drennan’s fifth completed screenplay, but the first to actually cause death. Previous scripts have merely discouraged, enraged or maimed readers.
Agency quickly claims number is untrue
It’s a milestone 34 years in the making, and one that has brought the entire Creative Artists Agency together to celebrate the guiding principle of their company.
“We say whatever it takes to get the job done,” said CAA agent Bob Drake. “If that means telling a client their script was sent to Disney even though we have no intention of even reading it…that’s the discipline.”
The most common lies told over the last three decades relate to creating buzz for a project.
“Talent is circling. Paramount is interested. I’ve told them all,” said a CAA partner, who asked not to be identified because he told another partner just this morning that he would stop leaking quotes to the press. “We pride ourselves in representing only the best and the brightest. If that’s not actually the case, then we’ve got to lie our asses off to make people believe it is. This isn’t fucking Paradigm or Endeavor. We make real money here.”
‘Til Breath Do Us Part
The sad but true story of a man whose wife divorced him because of severe halitosis. Based on a New York Times article.
Writer: Maury James
A group of scientists discover that the world was created by aliens, and is nothing more than a giant bomb designed to blow up the entire universe in 2011, one year before Roland Emmerich predicted.
Writers: Terry Rossio & Ted Elliott
9-month old triplets hit the road as the nation’s top rhythm and blues band.
Based on a pitch by Fred Savage.