Poorly plotted thriller submitted just in time, as if it matters
Aspiring screenwriter Jeff Bradley wasted three sick days and further alienated his live-in girlfriend as he frantically put the finishing touches on his clichéd, paint-by-numbers Nicholl entry that is sure to be eliminated in the first round of evaluations.
“I really poured my heart and soul into this one,” said Bradley, referring to his attempted thriller ‘Hookdagger’ about the Cleveland-area drug trade. “It was a ton of work, but I got the script in just under the wire at 11:51 p.m. Let’s hope it pays off.”
While Bradley is pretty sure the entry will at least make the quarterfinals, his girlfriend thought otherwise.
“Oh my God, it’s so terrible,” she said. “I couldn’t even get through the first 10 pages. It’s probably time Jeff and I break up, anyway. You don’t see me being all obsessed with a career I’m obviously not talented enough to succeed at.”
According to Nicholl Fellowship sources, approximately one out of every 645 scripts entered is even readable.
‘I don’t know whether to blow my wad or throw up!’
When a traveling theatre company arrives in town, a 10-year-old boy who works as a spittoon cleaner in 19th century Kansas realizes his true calling as an opera singer.
Writer: Emery Donald-Vershook
Dr. Badnovel or: How I Pissed Off The Vatican With Subpar Writing
Based on Dan Brown’s life story.
Remake of the 1961 Japanese classic about a giant, radioactive killer moth. Only this time it’s set in Ohio and it’s a giant, radioactive killer math genius. Holy equations!
Writer: Hiro Jones
‘Not even strong enough to rip a piece of duct tape’
After prematurely jumping on the 1980’s remake bandwagon, foolhardy producers recently admitted the film has no chance to move forward due to Richard Dean Anderson’s extreme old age.
“The guy’s old enough to be his own father,” said producer Michael Brody. “I wanted to have dinner with him on Tuesday to talk about possible storylines, but he had already eaten. It was only 4:45 in the afternoon!”
Anderson, who played the iconic MacGyver character back when he was 30 years younger and 100 pounds lighter, didn’t understand the decision.
“They said what now?” he asked. “And where’s my tapioca pudding? I can’t sleep without my pudding, and it’s already getting dark.”
The movie’s producers did consider replacing Anderson with a younger actor, but then opted to purchase the remake rights to Simon & Simon instead.
Only second fully-clothed sighting since 2003
Three horny college girls bet on who can sleep with their sorority sister’s hot Dad (a DILF) first.
Writer: Sally Johnson
A 35-year-old accountant decides to cash in his 401k and retire in a third world country, but he soon finds himself back at work as a goat farmer.
Based on a pitch by Danny McBride.
After he’s bitten by a laboratory hamster used for cosmetic testing, a man turns into a cross between a Revlon model and a full-grown rodent.
Writer: Paul Haggis
‘Aw, that’s so nice for them’ says Lourd
With reports coming in that the Endeavor-WMA merger is basically a done deal, many industry observers are interested to see whether the new company will take a run at Creative Artists Agency, widely considered the top talent firm in Hollywood.
But if CAA officials are worried, they’re not showing it.
“We’re happy for those guys,” said CAA partner Bryan Lourd. “They really deserve each other. WMA is so cute with its music and TV divisions, and Endeavor is just plain adorable with that sparkplug Ari [Emanuel] at the reins. Good for them, I say!”
Kevin Huvane agreed.
“I’ve always felt bad for them. You know, because they’re not us,” he said. “Maybe this will improve their self-esteem a bit.”