Monthly Archives: June 2009

Script Track – June 30, 2009

Set in Brooklyn during the late 1960’s, a desperate deli owner tries to save his business by putting LSD in all his BLT’s, but things get complicated when his customers start freaking out all over town!
Based on a true story.

Story focuses on a pair of bitter rivals, the only two men in the world who possess the ability to impregnate female ghosts.

Dirty 130
The oldest man on Earth turns 130, and the world bands together to throw him a birthday party he’ll never forget. The Hangover meets The Bucket List.
Writer: Eric Roth

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Producer’s notes focus solely on lack of product placement

‘We haven’t even mentioned Apple yet’

Mosaic producer Bob Jensen recently tore into screenwriter Kevin Hart over a lack of product placement opportunities in his script ‘Spear of the Gods’ set in ancient Greece.

“This is a $90 million production at least,” said Jensen. “I don’t care if it’s set in 2009 or 29 B.C. – you better work in some product placements fast, before we get stuck in turnaround.”

According to the miffed producer, possible references could include the main character, a young warrior, taking a bite of an apple, winking at camera, and then mentioning how “there are definitely no viruses in this thing” and “it sure would make a great computer someday, if I knew what a computer was!”

Hart, an unproduced writer, was diplomatic about the notes.

“Bob does have a point, I guess,” he said. “If they can work the Container Store and Ford into ‘Year One,’ there’s no reason I can’t figure out a way to fulfill the studio’s obligations to Nintendo and Pizza Hut.”

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Aspiring screenwriter’s tweets as hackneyed as his scripts

Scribe’s last follower finally gives up on him

twitterscribeFor nearly six months, aspiring screenwriter Jackson Bell has been bringing the same lack of wit and originality to twitter that he does to his comedy screenplays – and his followers have taken notice.

“They’ve been dropping like flies,” said Bell, confused. “I don’t get it. My tweets are always hilarious. Maybe it’s some kind of technical glitch on the twitter server.”

Bell’s last follower, his mom Lucy Smith, finally decided to stop receiving his tweets after Jackson posted a pointless, humorless message about his lunch on Sunday.

“It’s just pathetic,” said Smith. “The embarrassing thing is that he contacted all my friends and asked them to follow him, too. So of course they all signed up, only to learn my son is a moron. Apparently, I raised a boy who thinks fart jokes are still funny. No wonder he’s a total screenwriting failure.”

Bell is currently trying to come up with a funny way to explain his feelings in 140 characters or less.

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Michael Bay asks Academy to expand best pic nominations to 100 instead of just 10

’Maybe then we’ll get Transformers 2 in there!’ says delusional director

bay7Just minutes after Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences president Sid Ganis announced the 2009 Oscars will feature 10 best picture nominees, ‘Transformers 2’ director Michael Bay called on Ganis to expand the field to 100.

“Only then will my genius be recognized,” said Bay. “I call on the Academy to do the right thing and allow my somewhat-decent, but ultimately corny films to be deemed Oscar-worthy.”

According to Bay, the expanded field would make it easier for filmmakers like him to get much-needed ego boosts to go along with their giant bank accounts.

“Sure, the money is good,” said Bay. “But what I really crave is the respect of my peers. I want to share a Heineken with Uwe or Roland and say ‘hey, we’re doing interesting work, too. It’s not all about Scorsese and Soderbergh.’”

Added Bay: “They should introduce a slow-motion category. I’d clean up!”

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Script Track – June 23, 2009

The Broadcaster
After her husband becomes gravely ill, the wife of a famous MLB play-by-play man becomes the first female announcer due to an error in the guy’s contract. Can the broad get the job done?
Writer: Linda Cohn

Babble Gum
All hell breaks loose when the Wrigley Company changes its Spearmint recipe, resulting in a gum that forces people to tell the truth.
Based on the July 2008 WSJ article.

My Fugitive
After a Bernie Madoff type flees trial to Europe, one of his victims, a veteran bounty hunter, decides to go after him.
Writer: Gregg B.

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Extraneous third brad commits suicide

Dejected fastener hasn’t been relevant since late 80’s


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Screenwriter’s wife wishes she married a funeral director instead

‘Even that would be less depressing’ says beleaguered spouse

Ashley Brenner thought she was marrying a creative genius when she tied the knot with her husband John, who had just quit his job as an ad copywriter to focus on a career in screenwriting.

“Boy was I wrong,” she said. “Turns out he was just a moody crybaby obsessed with an impossible dream. I would’ve been better off marrying that funeral director who used to stalk me at the bus stop. At least he’d be depressed for a good reason.”

According to Mrs. Brenner, her hopes of having a fun, social marriage have been replaced with nights spent watching TV alone while her supposed life partner is holed up in his study writing “some stupid comedy about a guy who invents flying shoes.”

Not to worry, says husband John, who has written 11 screenplays in the past four years but has yet to secure representation.

“This next script is the one,” he said, referring to ‘Wingtips.’ “I can feel it.”

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