Pasty screenwriter suffers severe burns after eight minutes in sun

Script sale celebration goes horribly awry

Screenwriter Alan Befflestein is in stable condition with third degree burns on his chest and face after what would’ve been a routine day at the beach for most people. Unfortunately for Befflestein, whose lily-white skin has not seen the light of day in nearly a dozen years, just a few minutes in the sun was almost enough to kill him.

“I knew it had been a while since I went outside,” said Befflestein. “But I actually thought the sizzling sound was someone having a beach barbecue or whatever. You can imagine my surprise when I realized it was the sound of my own flesh being fried by UV rays.”

According to friends and family, Befflestein has been a hermit since the mid-90s, when he moved to Los Angeles to embark on a screenwriting career.

“He came out to a party a few years ago,” said Jerry Denton, Befflestein’s former roommate. “It was at night, though. I honestly can’t remember the last time I’ve seen him outside during the day. He’s usually holed-up at home…just writing away. Another few minutes and he would have been cooked.”

Dateless since early 2004, Befflestein believes the brush with death will be good for him.

“Luckily I just sold my first script, so I can use the cash on the 10 or 12 skin graft surgeries I’ll need to regain my below-average looks,” he said. “Then I’m gonna get back out there and rejoin society…the moment I finish my next script, of course.”

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