Monthly Archives: July 2009

WME assistants to be charged rent for using office space

Also limited to one free bathroom visit per day; $2 a flush after that

agent-talk-logoLess than a month after being assured he wouldn’t have to take a pay cut, WME assistant John Bellario learned he must pay $200 a week to occupy his cramped work area, effective immediately.

According to WME officials, the “employee space-leasing program” was necessary to cut costs and also account for the fact that many assistants will be treating the office like an apartment as a result of the 50-hour workweek recently instituted.

“Too long have we coddled our assistants with unlimited Internet access and free air conditioning,” said a WME executive. “One percent of those bastards will eventually get rich as a result of their years of sacrifice, so it’s time those little pricks started pulling their weight around here. This is an agency, not an orphanage.”

Despite the harsh working conditions, Bellario, a 28-year-old Princeton grad with a master’s degree in business, chooses to see the bright side.

“Apparently, $200 is a pretty competitive lease rate for such prime location, and it’s only a quarter of my salary,” he said. “I also plan to spit in my boss’s coffee every day for a month, so that will make me feel better, too.”

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MPAA accidentally gives porn movie a G rating

Thousands of confused parents rent ‘Cockgobblins’ DVD for their kids

The Motion Picture Association of America has long been viewed as somewhat of a joke, arbitrarily assigning ratings to movies based on personal taste and bias, as opposed to a film’s actual content.

“And that’s assuming we even watch the movie at all,” said MPAA rater Jake Dalone. “Usually we just slap a rating that seems vaguely appropriate on them, then spend the rest of the day getting drunk at TGI Friday’s. I guess that’s how this all happened.”

Dalone is referring to the fact that the MPAA recently gave the hardcore oral porn video ‘Cockgobblins’ a G rating, suggesting it was suitable for all viewers.

“The first time someone told me the title he coughed during the ‘cock’ part, so I just heard ‘goblins,’” said Dalone. “It sounded harmless enough to me, like some animated kid thing. Pretty funny, really.”

America’s parents weren’t quite so amused.

“I put the DVD on for my 8-year-old and left the room like I always do,” said Sally Algren of Knoxville, Tennessee. “Next thing I know he runs in asking if daddy ever stabbed me in the face with his pee-pee. Thanks a lot, MPAA.”


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Desperate scribe names cat ‘Spec’

Also considered ‘Diablo’ and ‘Miss Gersh’


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Script Track – July 28, 2009

Christmas Tree Huggers
Set in 1969, two hippies get stuck in a small Bible Belt town during the holidays, and end up teaching the whole community how to chill out.
Writer: Greg Bombard

Elevator Wars
Rival building engineers battle for the chance to design the elevators in a new shopping mall.
Based on a Plainview Daily Chronicle article.

The Table Setters
Taut psychological thriller set in the world of New England maids. Plot being kept under wraps.
Writer: Tony Gilroy

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The Top 50 Reasons You Won’t Make It As A Screenwriter

50. The only manager willing to rep you is based in a suburb of Phoenix.

49. Even Uwe Boll thinks your material is uninspired.

48. It’s not you. It’s the 99% of people on Earth that write better than you.

47. When you receive polite passes from managers, the encouraging part of the email is a different font size, indicating they’ve simply pasted boilerplate niceties after the personalized intro.

46. People mistake your dramas for comedies.

45. People mistake your comedies for dramas.

44. You’ve ever compared one of your scripts to a movie that won an Academy Award.

43. Hollywood discriminates against female writers, even though your name is Jerry and most people assume you’re a guy when they delete your queries.

42. You use vacation time to fly to LA for meetings, but don’t have any meetings set up ahead of time.

41. You agonize over whether to use card stock for the title page.

40. A rep has never claimed to become erect after something you’ve written or said.

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Recyclabill: An Organ Replacement Pilot Script

With black market kidney sales at the center of that New Jersey corruption bust, there’s never been a better time to read this TV script…

Set in the near future, when organ replacements have become routine procedures, a man gets a new brain with information coveted by terrorists.

Download it here: recyclabill

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Writer refreshes email 395 times morning after query blast

Still not a single response

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Script Track – July 21, 2009

That’s Mr. Ficus To You!
The emotional story of a womanizer that trades places with a ficus tree on the set of a daytime talk show, and must listen to women babble on about their feelings 3 hours a day, but eventually he learns from it and “grows” into a better man. Or in this case, plant.
Writer: Kyle Jones


After a bachelor’s roommates both propose to their girlfriends, the guy’s long-term girlfriend gives him one week to give her a ring or it’s over – and his whole family flies in to convince him.
Writer: Greg Astor

A lonely bachelor’s friends arrange for him to “get lucky” with a hooker, but when it turns out the hooker is the local police chief’s desperate housewife, the top cop won’t rest until he’s driven the bachelor out of town.
Based on a pitch by Kevin James.

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Study reveals 88% of screenwriters fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down

Other 12% deemed ‘miraculously normal-looking’

The image of a pale, slovenly writer hunched over a laptop is surprisingly accurate, a new UCLA study has revealed.

“These people are ugly as sin,” said Dr. Michael Lee, director of UCLA’s sociology department. “Our research shows writers – and screenwriters in particular – have the highest ugly-to-profession ratio we’ve seen since, well, ever. Even Russian sheep herders are more attractive.”

While “ugliness” isn’t easy to quantify, Lee claims a variety of physiological characteristics help them create a matrix with which to accurately judge a writer’s appearance.

“The existence of moles on the forehead, for example,” said Lee. “Weak jaw lines. Love handles. Hair on the back, neck or ears. Another common trait is the condition known as ‘triple-chin.’ And that’s just the women!”

And what of the lucky 12% deemed average or above average in appearance?

“I’m still convinced that number is 9% or less,” said Lee. “Either way, those fortunate few dodged quite a bullet to somehow be able to write and also show their face in public.”

The WGA has filed a complaint with UCLA, claiming the study doesn’t take into account the many wannabe writers, who are generally much more attractive than the successful ones.

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Hollywood celebrates 10th anniversary of Ben Stiller playing same character in every film

Actor signs on for five more blandly goofy lead roles


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