50. The only manager willing to rep you is based in a suburb of Phoenix.
49. Even Uwe Boll thinks your material is uninspired.
48. It’s not you. It’s the 99% of people on Earth that write better than you.
47. When you receive polite passes from managers, the encouraging part of the email is a different font size, indicating they’ve simply pasted boilerplate niceties after the personalized intro.
46. People mistake your dramas for comedies.
45. People mistake your comedies for dramas.
44. You’ve ever compared one of your scripts to a movie that won an Academy Award.
43. Hollywood discriminates against female writers, even though your name is Jerry and most people assume you’re a guy when they delete your queries.
42. You use vacation time to fly to LA for meetings, but don’t have any meetings set up ahead of time.
41. You agonize over whether to use card stock for the title page.
40. A rep has never claimed to become erect after something you’ve written or said.
39. At parties, you regale total strangers with the story about the time you were a quarterfinalist in Scriptapalooza.
38. You have extended debates with friends about which is better: Final Draft or Movie Magic Screenwriter.
37. Your coworkers roll their eyes every time you mention you’re a screenwriter.
36. Your spouse rolls his or her eyes every time you claim you’re “so close.”
35. You spend more time on screenwriting message boards than you do writing screenplays.
34. Although you’ve never sold a script, you tell prospective reps all about your directorial ambitions.
33. That story you’ve been working on for three years? Ron Bass already wrote it.
32. The WGA has a strict policy of not admitting people who don’t know the difference between “there” and “their.”
31. Your last script clocked in at 157 pages.
30. You think you’re going to be famous someday.
29. Even paid script consultants won’t read your work.
28. You claim to live and die by the written word, but only want to write for movies and would never stoop to books, theater or technical writing, like most successful writers.
27. You’re too valuable for the telemarketing industry to give up without a fight.
26. You hear the word “potential” more often than the word “awesome.”
25. It’s not that you can’t make it. It’s that it would take 100 years, and you’re already like 37.
24. When your manager told you he liked your script? Lying.
23. Ditto for your mom.
22. Hollywood insists on making movies people actually want to see, as opposed to that Indie dramedy loosely based on your sophomore year of college when you got dumped by your longtime boyfriend, then realized you were a lesbian, culminating in a triumphant revelation to your parents at Thanksgiving.
21. You’re not a Scientologist.
20. The last time someone enjoyed your script was when a ‘naughty’ ICM assistant got spanked with it.
19. People don’t even make it all the way through your tweets.
18. You refer to your screenwriting career as a journey.
17. You’ve begun blogging about said journey.
16. You send mass emails announcing…you might have a new rep.
15. Screenwriting books still intrigue you more than two years after you read your first one.
14. You fail to realize the poetry contest you won in junior high isn’t something you put in a query letter.
13. You look at this list and think “Not me, man. I’m different.”
12. Your idea of a professional script is one with five typos or less.
11. You claim you’ll never write a movie as bad as the one you just saw, but don’t realize the reason that’s true is because any movies based on your scripts would be worse, not better.
10. The only time you’re good in a room is when the room is your cubicle and being good means you just sold some auto insurance.
9. You get mad when readers don’t see your “vision.”
8. Your agent takes more than 24 hours to respond to your emails.
7. You write on a PC.
6. You think standard submission release forms are proof Hollywood is out to steal your ideas.
5. Your cousin was once an extra on Friends, and you think that means you should try to sell your latest script with him attached as the lead.
4. Despite numerous warnings, you still use three brads per script.
3. You’ve resorted to querying entertainment lawyers.
2. You mistake Hollywood thinking you’re a huge waste of time with Hollywood not understanding you.
1. Even when the spec market turns around, there still won’t be buyers for that miserable dreck you churn out.
***And for the first time ever, comments are allowed. What other reasons would you put on the list? Can we make it to 1,000? Or…maybe 100?