Script an unreadable mess
When Illinois native Fred Durnett vowed to write “an edgy script that wasn’t confined to the tired old three-act structure,” the 24-year-old barista had no idea he was setting a record as the 1,000th newbie to attempt the feat.
He also didn’t realize he was writing a shitty script.
“I’ve never been big on following the rules,” said Durnett. “Plus I’m special, so there’s that. I’m basically so talented that I can break all the usual screenwriting conventions without even knowing them.”
The resulting script, a raunchy comedy loosely based on all three of Durnett’s sexual exploits, features no act breaks, no turning points and minimal character arcs. It also employs extensive voiceovers and flashback sequences.
“What I tried to do with ‘SEX AND PIZZA’ was create a fluid, unpredictable story,” he said of the 134-page tome. “I can’t wait to see what the folks at ScriptPimp think!”
Also keen on 80’s exercise fad
Anxiously eyes bathroom while rolling calls
Moments after polishing off his second bottled water of the morning, CAA assistant Tony Anderson knew it was a mistake.
“I felt that dreaded tingle in my bladder,” he said. “Anytime I have that tingle before 10:30, I know there’s gonna be trouble come 11:45 or so when my legs inevitably start shaking uncontrollably, and the tingle turns to sharp shooting pain. Why do I always do this to myself?”
If Anderson had a normal job, the Princeton grad would simply take a quick restroom break and remedy the situation. But the life of an assistant is anything but normal, as evidenced by the lengths Anderson has gone to make sure he doesn’t miss a single one of his boss’s calls.
“I remember back in November when I had food poisoning,” said Anderson. “Probably the worst week of my life. Thank God for Depends.”
Still, Anderson’s doctor thinks the overworked assistant should consider a career change.
“For a 25-year-old, he does seem to have an inordinate number of bladder infections,” said Dr. Mark Grissom. “His blood pressure is also about 200% higher than I’d like to see.”
Plans 4-state tour of IMAX theaters to commemorate release
‘They also don’t want members from Ohio’ he claims
Were it not for the Writer’s Guild and its draconian practice of making sure writers get paid decent wages, Cleveland scribe and part-time shoe salesman Eric Denson would be penning most of the movies and TV shows produced in Hollywood.
“I keep telling companies I’ll write their movies for like 20 bucks,” said Denson. “But since they’re WGA signatories, they have to pay me like $60,000 minimum or something like that. And if they’re going to pay someone that much, it’s not going to be a guy from Ohio. The Guild screws me again!”
According to Denson, whose script ‘The Coldest Icicle’ was recently bounced from Scriptapalooza in the first round, the Writer’s Guild is a “cabal of connected old white males who care more about money and health care than they do movies.”
When asked if he thought the Guild was biased against writers not based in Los Angeles, Denson snorted.
“Of course they don’t want people like me in their little club,” he complained. “I’m exactly what they’re afraid of: a totally unknown guy from Ohio who is willing to work for free.”
‘She’s great in a room’
Sheila the receptionist is finally getting her shot to write a feature film, thanks in no small part to the fact she lets Paramount exec Ronny Halperin “have his way with her” every Tuesday afternoon in her Santa Monica studio apartment.
“I’ve always loved Hollywood!” exclaimed Sheila Madison, 22, a high school graduate. “So I told Ronny, I said ‘hey Ronny, can I write that new movie about the crime guys and stuff?’”
According to Madison, Halperin initially laughed at the idea, but he quickly changed his mind when she threatened to tell his wife about their arrangement.
“I can’t wait to start coming up with ideas for my movie,” said Madison. “I’m pretty sure I want the main character to be played by Reese Witherspoon. She’s hilarious!”
This marks the second time screenwriter Bob Thomas has been replaced on a project by someone who has no writing experience. The previous incident involved a producer’s unemployed nephew.