Monthly Archives: September 2009

Morgan Freeman to narrate 12 documentaries in October

Will also provide voice-over for 46 different TV commercials

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Script Track – September 29, 2009

Hammer & Sickle Time
Nearly 20 years after falling from grace in America, MC Hammer moves to Russia to rejuvenate his career.
Based on the artist’s true story.

The Stubstitute (aka Hook Dreams)
An amputee substitute teacher coaches an inner city high school basketball team to the state finals where they face elite private schools.
Writer: Barry P

Cheeseroni
Pizza Hut develops a new type of pepperoni made entirely of cheese, allowing them to squeeze even more cheese into every bite.
Writer: Jason May

The Lizard Whisperer
A pet shop owner is called in to save the day when thousands of killer geckos and salamanders ravage a small Texas town.
Writers: Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio

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Atonement up 19% from Yom Kippur 2008

Economy, schlocky films mostly to blame

Repentance reached a seven-year high in Hollywood on Monday, with industry professionals atoning for a variety of sins committed in the last 12 months.

“This is typically a busy day with all the adultery, lying and thieving that goes on in town,” said Rabbi Meshnea of Beverly Hills. “But with a year like this, we were forced to schedule additional services. We even had a special prayer session limited exclusively to people associated with Jennifer’s Body.”

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According to Meshnea, the economy didn’t help matters, combining with Yom Kippur to create “a perfect storm” of people seeking mercy from God in these troubled times.

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Desperate producer tries to convince studio that fortune cookies count as ‘existing properties’

‘There are only so many comic books in the world!’ he claims

fortunecookieMosaic producer Bob Tremble was recently shot down by Paramount execs when he tried to convince them that the fortune he found in a stale Chinese cookie last month could be the basis for a four-quadrant tentpole film.

“Who knows how many people have already seen this thing?” he asked, defiantly slapping the white slip of paper on the exec’s desk. “I’ve personally opened this message like ten times, so it’s definitely got some market awareness — and possibly a cult following.”

While the fortune, which reads “You will be successful in love and work,” does indeed tie into Tremble’s pitch for a family comedy, Paramount VP Mike Andersen wasn’t buying it.

“It’s a bit of a stretch,” he said. “I can’t go to the board with a 2-inch piece of paper and tell them it’s their next $150 million investment. Unless Will Smith was attached…or maybe even if he was the one who opened the fortune in the first place.”

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The Top 30 Day Jobs For Aspiring Writers (And Why)

30. Waiter – Many writers have been discovered while waiting tables in LA. You, on the other hand, will be working at an Applebee’s in Little Rock, but you never know, right?

29. Veterinarian – Animals smell fear, but they can’t smell hackery, and that’s what you should be most worried about.

28. Babysitter – It lets you spend time with people who whine almost as much as you.

27. Dentist – Because sometimes it’s fun being the one dishing out the pain.

26. Used Car Salesman – You get to practice convincing people a piece of shit is worth spending a bunch of money on.

25. English Teacher – It’s the closest you’ll get to being a writer, and you can even pretend you’re “giving back” to younger scribes, taking focus off the fact you’re really just failing miserably with your own work.

24. Blogger – If you’re going to write a bunch of inane crap nobody wants to read, might as well do it for free.

23. Librarian – If you’re surrounded by books 8 hours a day, it might dawn on you to read one or two of them, instead of simply watching Pulp Fiction and assuming you now have all the knowledge you need to pen a great script.

22. Janitor – Free access to a dumpster, which will come in handy for your piles of terrible scripts that need disposing.

21. Proctologist – Succeeding as a writer involves an intimate knowledge of kissing people’s asses, so you might as well make sure as many of those assholes as possible are in good working order.

20. Security Guard – Unlike the 32 scripts you’ve registered with the WGA, you might actually get to protect something people want to steal.

19. Corporate Secretary – Taking notes from jerks with giant egos? Yes, you’ll need that skill.

18. Crossing Guard – If you get lucky, the agent who rejected your query might wander into your intersection, and that’s when you strike!

17. Boom Operator – Spending so much time in close proximity to actors might cause you to re-think a career in Hollywood altogether, paving the way for your future in insurance sales.

16. Starbucks Employee – It just feels right.

15. McDonald’s Cashier – It feels wrong, but at least you can pretend to be ‘slow’ and then everyone will leave you alone.

14. Script Reader – If you read enough scripts, you might find a few that are worse than yours.

13. Script Consultant – Those who can’t do, teach. Those who can’t teach? They consult.

12. Proofreader – You’re not very good at analyzing important things like story and structure, but you’ve got a keen eye for spotting spelling errors. Good for you.

11. Advertising Copywriter – Write enough TV commercials and you can trick yourself into thinking you’re one step away from Hollywood.

10. Marketing Copywriter – Most people won’t know the difference, so you can tell them you work as an advertising copywriter, which (as we know) is one step away from Hollywood.

9. Bartender – Free access to booze and the women who drink too much of it.

8. Taxi Driver – Your lack of command of the English language will come in handy here.

7. Guidance Counselor – You’ve already messed up your own life with unrealistic dreams. Now it’s time to ruin other people’s lives too.

6. Youth Pastor – It’s like you’re a guidance counselor, except this time you get to ruin people’s lives with religion.

5. Carpenter – With so much experience creating wooden characters, you’d be a natural.

4. Construction Worker – If you’re going to bang your head against a wall every single night of your life, it helps to have a spare hard hat. Oh, was this one lame? Sue me.

3. Video Store Employee – If it’s good enough for Quentin Tarantino, it’s good enough for you. The only difference is that it will still be good enough for you the rest of your life.

2. Bus Driver – When thoughts of suicide overwhelm you following your latest rejection, the prospect of taking 20 or 30 strangers with you off that cliff might be just enough motivation to not go through with it.

1. Actor – If you’re going to butcher so many scripts, you might as well do it while also getting paid for another job on set.

Think we missed a job? Add it in the comments.

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Producer wonders if main character’s love interest could be a zombie instead

‘It would really spice things up’ he says of dramatic thriller

Screenwriter Allan Goldblatt thought producer Mark Smith was joking about re-imagining the fireman’s wife as a zombie, but the ten awkward seconds of silence that followed suggest Smith may in fact have been serious about the change.

“I’ve heard some pretty terrible notes before, but that one takes the cake,” said Goldblatt. “I’d love to see him tell the retired fireman who wrote the book this script is based on that we decided to make his caring wife a bloodthirsty zombie instead.”

According to Smith, he was simply trying to make the script more studio-friendly.

“Zombies are big right now,” he said. “Judging by the look on Allan’s face, you’d think I was trying to fuck his sister or something. I mean, how badass would it be if the wife was like this horny zombie ‘cougar,’ cheating on the husband left and right – but he never has any proof because she keeps eating her lovers! Now that’s what I call drama!”

Goldblatt was last seen meandering into the ocean, fully clothed, at high tide.

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Another writer irrationally jealous of Diablo Cody

For some reason, newbie scribe rooting for ‘Jennifer’s Body’ to tank

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