30. Waiter – Many writers have been discovered while waiting tables in LA. You, on the other hand, will be working at an Applebee’s in Little Rock, but you never know, right?
29. Veterinarian – Animals smell fear, but they can’t smell hackery, and that’s what you should be most worried about.
28. Babysitter – It lets you spend time with people who whine almost as much as you.
27. Dentist – Because sometimes it’s fun being the one dishing out the pain.
26. Used Car Salesman – You get to practice convincing people a piece of shit is worth spending a bunch of money on.
25. English Teacher – It’s the closest you’ll get to being a writer, and you can even pretend you’re “giving back” to younger scribes, taking focus off the fact you’re really just failing miserably with your own work.
24. Blogger – If you’re going to write a bunch of inane crap nobody wants to read, might as well do it for free.
23. Librarian – If you’re surrounded by books 8 hours a day, it might dawn on you to read one or two of them, instead of simply watching Pulp Fiction and assuming you now have all the knowledge you need to pen a great script.
22. Janitor – Free access to a dumpster, which will come in handy for your piles of terrible scripts that need disposing.
21. Proctologist – Succeeding as a writer involves an intimate knowledge of kissing people’s asses, so you might as well make sure as many of those assholes as possible are in good working order.
20. Security Guard – Unlike the 32 scripts you’ve registered with the WGA, you might actually get to protect something people want to steal.
19. Corporate Secretary – Taking notes from jerks with giant egos? Yes, you’ll need that skill.
18. Crossing Guard – If you get lucky, the agent who rejected your query might wander into your intersection, and that’s when you strike!
17. Boom Operator – Spending so much time in close proximity to actors might cause you to re-think a career in Hollywood altogether, paving the way for your future in insurance sales.
16. Starbucks Employee – It just feels right.
15. McDonald’s Cashier – It feels wrong, but at least you can pretend to be ‘slow’ and then everyone will leave you alone.
14. Script Reader – If you read enough scripts, you might find a few that are worse than yours.
13. Script Consultant – Those who can’t do, teach. Those who can’t teach? They consult.
12. Proofreader – You’re not very good at analyzing important things like story and structure, but you’ve got a keen eye for spotting spelling errors. Good for you.
11. Advertising Copywriter – Write enough TV commercials and you can trick yourself into thinking you’re one step away from Hollywood.
10. Marketing Copywriter – Most people won’t know the difference, so you can tell them you work as an advertising copywriter, which (as we know) is one step away from Hollywood.
9. Bartender – Free access to booze and the women who drink too much of it.
8. Taxi Driver – Your lack of command of the English language will come in handy here.
7. Guidance Counselor – You’ve already messed up your own life with unrealistic dreams. Now it’s time to ruin other people’s lives too.
6. Youth Pastor – It’s like you’re a guidance counselor, except this time you get to ruin people’s lives with religion.
5. Carpenter – With so much experience creating wooden characters, you’d be a natural.
4. Construction Worker – If you’re going to bang your head against a wall every single night of your life, it helps to have a spare hard hat. Oh, was this one lame? Sue me.
3. Video Store Employee – If it’s good enough for Quentin Tarantino, it’s good enough for you. The only difference is that it will still be good enough for you the rest of your life.
2. Bus Driver – When thoughts of suicide overwhelm you following your latest rejection, the prospect of taking 20 or 30 strangers with you off that cliff might be just enough motivation to not go through with it.
1. Actor – If you’re going to butcher so many scripts, you might as well do it while also getting paid for another job on set.
Think we missed a job? Add it in the comments.