10. Makes your popcorn taste like buttered binary code
9. Guaranteed Seizure Technology™
8. For first time ever, a character will exist only in your mind
7. Entire screen literally wrapped around your fucking face
6. Sequel hyped with “groundbreaking mid-movie teaser trailer”
5. Even the actors forced to wear 3D glasses
4. Picture-in-picture features Cameron explaining why every scene is awesome
3. New color invented: blurple
2. Entire movie shot on Sony Hyper Digital UltraLux Version 2.1.Chrome
1. No more seats. Audience encouraged to bow during screening
Have you heard of more impressive innovations? List them in the comments section.
Scribe jumps at ‘great opportunity’
Despite making nearly $100,000 a year as an accountant, aspiring screenwriter Josh Pendleton has agreed to write a script for producer Kevin Dernier in exchange for absolutely nothing.
“It’s all about getting a foot in the door. At least that’s what Kevin tells me,” said Pendleton, eager to start work on his first free draft. “The nice thing is that it’s Kevin’s idea, so he’s got a lot of passion for it, and I don’t have to worry about ‘creative rights’ or any of those annoying details.”
Dernier, who was an associate producer on The Adventures of Pluto Nash in 2002, claims this particular project will be a great learning experience for Pendleton.
“I’m guessing I’ll put Josh through the ringer for like 14 months,” he said. “After that, he’ll get angry, realize the rights belong to me, and now I’ve got a nice rough draft I can get some other newbie to polish for me.”
Pendleton has already taken off three days of work to get a head start on the outline.
“Projects like this tend to move quick, from what I hear on screenwriting message boards,” he said. “The sooner I get this script written, the sooner Kevin can show it to his vast array of studio contacts.”
Could also use additional praise and sympathy
A dying mechanic extends his life by hooking himself up to a 1967 Mustang…fusing man and machine and creating pure awesomeness.
Based on a pitch by Jay Leno.
Flan of The Month
A taut thriller about a man who joins a flan of the month club, only to find out each month’s flan is made of people!
Writer: James Wan
Based on the popular printer style.
‘It just feels hipper’
Pasadena native Judy Levinson, a 44-year-old mother of three, recently chose an episode of ‘Webster’ that originally aired in 1988 over a brand-new installment of Jay Leno’s comedy show. According to the stay-at-home mom, after watching a few minutes of Leno, the 80’s sitcom starring Emmanuel Lewis seemed “much edgier.”
“I wouldn’t exactly call myself an edgy lady, but even I can tell when someone is barely trying,” she said. “But that little Webster kid has some really biting, insightful things to say about life…especially compared to Jay.”
When asked if she used to be a fan of The Tonight Show, Levinson smiled.
“I suppose,” she said. “I mean, it was nice to know there was a program on that would put me to sleep. But now that [Leno] is on so early, I don’t want ‘comedy’ that’ll make me feel drowsy.”
Other things Levinson prefers watching include ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’ and drying paint.
‘Telling David Boxerbaum to go fuck himself? That was a mistake’
Aspiring screenwriter Larry Bolan came to Austin in hopes of parlaying his sci-fi pitch into an offer of representation.
“Unfortunately, it didn’t really go down like that,” said the vacuum repair man from Akron, Ohio. “One minute I’m doing fine and the next thing I know I’m telling [APA agent David] Boxerbaum he wouldn’t know a good logline if it bit him in the ass. The rest is kind of a blur…”
Despite Bolan’s obscenity-laced tirade, Boxerbaum was surprisingly good-natured about the public abuse.
“New writers can freeze up,” he said. “I mean, I’ve never been told to go fuck myself in front of 200 people before…but I guess it happens.”
At the end of the day, however, the veteran literary agent admitted he didn’t really understand what Bolan’s script was about.
“I think there were killer robots or something…maybe a bionic detective?” he guessed. “I’m not sure. Things went downhill pretty fast, especially when he mistook me silencing my cellphone for me ‘texting Harvey Weinstein,’ whatever that’s about.”
Bolan plans to pitch all future scripts via email.
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‘Just needed something to calm nerves’ he claims
‘May he never stop making awesome movies’
16-year-old Bobby Cronendell of rural Ohio is the son of an Evangelical preacher, but he’s also a devout fanboy, which is why he asks Jesus every night to protect his idol J.J. Abrams from harm.
“Please Lord, at least keep him safe until he produces the Star Trek sequel in 2011,” Cronendell recently prayed. “I won’t watch late night Cinemax ever again, I promise.”
And those are just his bedtime prayers. According to Cronendell’s mom Judy, nearly half the time Bobby says grace before dinner, it’s a not-so-veiled plea for more action-packed entertainment.
“Please bless this food and all the wonderful people in the world, especially major motion picture directors who know exactly what the public wants,” he recently said at the dinner table. “You know who I’m talking about. Please watch over Kevin Smith too, I guess.”
A football coach is forced to come to grips with the fact that his teenage son’s fondness for wearing capri pants is actually a symptom of a much deeper issue.
Writer: Bill Kenro
The Adventures of Ike Ikea
A hound dog named Ike gets lost in an Ikea store…but did he just find a new home? Live action with some CGI.
Writer: Allan Theroux
The Bumpiest Road
Set in the 1990’s, a down-on-his-luck construction worker struggles to make ends meet filling potholes by day and selling himself to truckers by night.
Based on the 20/20 segment from June of 1998.