Monthly Archives: November 2009

90% of aspiring scribe’s coworkers better writers than him

Wannabe screenwriter less talented than boss, secretary and janitor

Aspiring screenwriter Joe Grable has written more than a dozen scripts since 2002, but despite his belief to the contrary, this doesn’t mean he’s a better writer than his coworkers.

“Everyone at the office is jealous because they know I’ll be a big Hollywood writer someday,” said Grable, a claims adjuster at a Seattle-based insurance company. “I mean, I’ve been repped for six months now, so it’s clearly going to pop for me soon. I just feel bad for all my coworkers, stuck in their dead-end jobs.”

While Grable’s coworkers don’t wish him any ill will, they do dispute the fact that he’s the best writer among them.

“I’ve read Joe’s scripts, and frankly, they’re fairly mediocre,” said Jerry Smith, Grable’s boss. “Now Tony the janitor…that guy can write. I once read a self-published novel of his, and he’s way more talented than Joe. Also, Glenda from accounting once wrote me a birthday card I enjoyed more than any of Joe’s scripts, which he incessantly forces us to give him feedback on.”

Added Smith: “Of course anytime we give him criticism, you can see that vein in his forehead bulging. Then he mumbles something about talent and stalks off in a huff.”


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Producer shocked to learn ‘garbage man’ a real job

Thought it was just something extras did in movies

Jeff Belsin has spent the last 15 years in the bubble of Hollywood, detached from reality. So when his wife told him the garbage man didn’t take the refrigerator they left out behind the house, Belsin was perplexed.

“Wait, garbage men are real? People literally go around picking up trash for a living?” he asked. “I thought that was some horrible job writers made up to add grittiness to movies and episodes of Law & Order.”

After realizing her husband wasn’t joking, Belsin’s wife suggested it might be time to switch professions, or at least take a vacation.

“I’m beginning to worry that Jeff doesn’t realize there’s a world outside of movies where people struggle and lead normal lives,” she said. “His idea of struggling is when a movie gets stuck in turnaround and he doesn’t collect his production fee.”

According to sources, Belsin also believes people routinely trade places with animals, and cars explode when you shoot them.

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Filed under Execs, Industry News

Script Track – November 17, 2009

Steve Jobs places a spell on a lifelong PC user, and now everything the man touches turns into a Mac product.
Writer: Alex Star

Wedding Planner Guy
A former SportsCenter host becomes a testosterone-crazed wedding planner that goes head-to-head with the bride’s wedding planner to ensure the groom’s special day isn’t too “girl-focused.”
Writer: Brent Berman

The Yellow Brick Roadie
Raunchy romantic comedy remake of the 1939 classic, The Wizard of Oz.
Based on a pitch by Judd Apatow.

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Closer inspection reveals Roland Emmerich is mostly CGI

Pixelated hair gives away veteran director’s dark secret


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Nigerian screenwriter unable to convince Hollywood reps his email query isn’t a scam

‘Dear Esteemed Literary Agent…’ emails immediately trashed

Lagos-based screenwriter Amoka Denwar has not received a single response from his latest batch of query emails, which the 27-year-old Nigerian recently sent to more than 200 agents and managers.

“I don’t understand it,” said Denwar. “I’ve tried to be as professional as possible with my query. I simply request that people hear what I have to offer, then respond with their address, phone number and name so I can send them a copy. It really is an amazing opportunity for everyone involved.”

In an effort to convince people of his trustworthiness, Denwar has made it clear that he is of royal descent.

“I’ve tried everything, even formal emails addressing agents and managers by their full names, such as the Esteemed Mr. Nick Reed,” he said. “Still, nothing. I even tried telling people how much money they could make if they sold one of my scripts, but that didn’t work either. It’s very strange…I really thought I was on to something with my logline.”

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Family Guy somehow rips off 231 different TV shows in single episode

MacFarlane looking to get that number up to 300 by end of season


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Script Track – November 10, 2009

Miracle On 134th Street
Urban remake. Ice Cube attached to star as Kris Kringle.

Code of the Road
A kid goes on vacation with his best friend’s family, only to find out they’re all bloodthirsty vampires – and they want to initiate him!
Writer: Tom Enville

The college town of Madison, Wisconsin is terrorized by a 30-foot frat boy thirsty for mass quantities of Natural Light.
Based on the short.

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