10. No more Botox until June.
9. Stop cheating on my wife with my assistant.
8. Stop cheating on my assistant with transvestite hookers.
7. Read cousin’s script like I promised, but only if there’s time and it doesn’t suck.
6. Give myself one last year to make it or it’s back to Maine to take over dad’s furniture restoration business.
5. 20% more hair plugs.
4. Make a quality film or at least get insanely rich while making a shitty one.
3. Get on the Facebook.
2. Ruin someone’s career and/or screw their wife, then tell the whole town.
1. Be more like Judd Apatow.
Monthly Archives: December 2009
Top 10 Film Industry New Year’s Resolutions
Filed under Industry News
Script Track – December 29, 2009
The Heir Cleaner
A rebellious teenager inherits the struggling Ionic Breeze Company when his estranged father passes away. The teen turns things around by marketing the air cleaners specifically to potheads.
Writer: Gary Benson
Trashland
The touching story of a family that lives next to California’s largest trash dump.
Writer: Zach Helm
Olive Garden Of Eden
Eve travels through time and gets a job at the Olive Garden, where she meets Adam Goldberg, a nerdy high school kid. But can their love survive the evil assistant manager, Michael Satan?
Writer: Josh Rosen
Formica
Based on the popular laminate counter tops. Plot being kept under wraps.
Filed under Industry News, Script Track
CAA lawyer rejects unsolicited gift from Santa Claus
Norelco shaver sent back to North Pole unopened
Shortly after discovering a green and red package marked “from Santa” under his Christmas tree, Creative Artists Agency lawyer John Hansen brought the present to his local UPS Store and shipped it back to the North Pole.
“Although I appreciate your holiday spirit, I have a firm policy of returning all unsolicited material,” Hansen wrote to Santa Claus. “Accordingly, I am forwarding your present back to you, unopened. To the extent that your gift is similar to what someone else may have given me, the similarities are purely coincidental.”
Unfortunately, the package was actually a gift from his wife.
“He’s like some sort of automaton,” said Brenda Hansen. “Anytime he comes across something he didn’t ask for, he rejects it. The other day we were at the Olive Garden and he demanded they take back his glass of water.”
Asked if she would replace the gift, Brenda wasn’t sure.
“I guess I’ll have to ask him first, just to go through the proper channels,” she said. “It’s too bad, because I think he really would have liked that shaver.”
Filed under Agent Talk, Industry News
Santa too depressed to deliver gifts after watching 20 minutes of Jay Leno
‘Not so jolly anymore’ he laments
Filed under Industry News
Script Track – December 22, 2009
Santa Clues
A grizzled private detective teams up with a 10-year-old boy to track down Santa Claus, who has been kidnapped two days before Christmas.
Writer: Martin Leffles
High Resolution
A pothead makes a New Year’s Resolution to stop smoking weed, but his life spirals downward as he loses all his friends, his health deteriorates and he forgets how to laugh.
Writer: Alex Hargrove
The Fourth Wiseman
When the local king tries to snuff out baby Jesus, only one man can save the savior. He is the little known fourth wiseman “Chuck,” and he is a total badass.
Based on a pitch by Chuck Norris.
Filed under Industry News, Script Track
Aspiring scribe uses terminally ill son’s ‘Make-A-Wish’ to pitch Will Smith
A surprise visit from the Make-A-Wish Foundation turned into an impromptu pitch-fest when failed writer Randy Hodgson used his son Matthew’s dream of meeting Will Smith as an opportunity to seek Hollywood access from the film star.
“I took Matthew’s hand and told him he was the bravest little boy I knew,” said Smith. “And then his dad jumped in talkin’ bout how bravery is the theme of some story he did about Civil War werewolves.”
While Smith typically enjoys engaging children from the foundation in video games or one-to-one chats, the senior Hodgson insisted on joining the two in Matthew’s hospital room, where he spent the majority of Smith’s visit pitching film premises in which the actor could star.
“I told him about my idea for having him play a gangster who travels back in time and becomes a gladiator. He looked at me for a few minutes but didn’t say anything,” said Hodgson. “He might have been thinking it over.”
Hodgson, a 37-year-old self-published author whose novels include ‘War of Vengeance’ and ‘Danger M,’ insisted on handing Mr. Smith some of his own self-illustrated concept art as well as maps he drew for a fantasy script in which dinosaurs govern humans.
“Ankylosaurus Arch? What the hell’s a damn Ankylosaurus Arch?” Smith remarked, before disposing of Hodgson’s life’s work in a nearby receptacle.
Submitted by K.G.
Filed under Industry News, Writers
Top 10 Hollywood Roaster Articles Of 2009
Based on site traffic…
10. Study reveals 88% of screenwriters fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down
9. THR Video – Surfing The Web w/ Michael Bay
8. Top 10 Reasons You Love And/Or Hate Scriptshadow
7. Top 30 Day Jobs For Aspiring Writers (And Why)
6. McG confused by discussion of ‘theme’ at dinner party
5. 1,000th wannabe screenwriter decides to “break all the rules”
4. Ron Bass admits his writing team behind Robotard 8000
3. Top 50 Reasons You Won’t Make It As A Screenwriter
1. Cronenberg not willing to read Josh Olson’s fucking script
Filed under Industry News
Mel Gibson denies Hanukkah ever happened
‘The festival of lights is a total fiction’ claims Holiday Denier
Filed under Actors, Industry News