Top 10 Film Industry New Year’s Resolutions

10. No more Botox until June.
9.  Stop cheating on my wife with my assistant.
8. Stop cheating on my assistant with transvestite hookers.
7. Read cousin’s script like I promised, but only if there’s time and it doesn’t suck.
6. Give myself one last year to make it or it’s back to Maine to take over dad’s furniture restoration business.
5. 20% more hair plugs.
4. Make a quality film or at least get insanely rich while making a shitty one.
3. Get on the Facebook.
2. Ruin someone’s career and/or screw their wife, then tell the whole town.
1. Be more like Judd Apatow.

Script Track – December 29, 2009

The Heir Cleaner
A rebellious teenager inherits the struggling Ionic Breeze Company when his estranged father passes away. The teen turns things around by marketing the air cleaners specifically to potheads.
Writer: Gary Benson

Trashland
The touching story of a family that lives next to California’s largest trash dump.
Writer: Zach Helm

Olive Garden Of Eden
Eve travels through time and gets a job at the Olive Garden, where she meets Adam Goldberg, a nerdy high school kid. But can their love survive the evil assistant manager, Michael Satan?
Writer: Josh Rosen

Formica
Based on the popular laminate counter tops. Plot being kept under wraps.

2009: Or Everything That Happened This Year, In Satirical Script Form

.

Lists are great.

But sometimes you have to experience Hollywood events in script form. Like the year of 2009, for example.

Download 2009: The Script (PDF)

CAA lawyer rejects unsolicited gift from Santa Claus

Norelco shaver sent back to North Pole unopened

Shortly after discovering a green and red package marked “from Santa” under his Christmas tree, Creative Artists Agency lawyer John Hansen brought the present to his local UPS Store and shipped it back to the North Pole.

“Although I appreciate your holiday spirit, I have a firm policy of returning all unsolicited material,” Hansen wrote to Santa Claus. “Accordingly, I am forwarding your present back to you, unopened. To the extent that your gift is similar to what someone else may have given me, the similarities are purely coincidental.”

Unfortunately, the package was actually a gift from his wife.

“He’s like some sort of automaton,” said Brenda Hansen. “Anytime he comes across something he didn’t ask for, he rejects it. The other day we were at the Olive Garden and he demanded they take back his glass of water.”

Asked if she would replace the gift, Brenda wasn’t sure.

“I guess I’ll have to ask him first, just to go through the proper channels,” she said. “It’s too bad, because I think he really would have liked that shaver.”

Santa too depressed to deliver gifts after watching 20 minutes of Jay Leno

‘Not so jolly anymore’ he laments

Script Track – December 22, 2009

Santa Clues
A grizzled private detective teams up with a 10-year-old boy to track down Santa Claus, who has been kidnapped two days before Christmas.
Writer: Martin Leffles

High Resolution
A pothead makes a New Year’s Resolution to stop smoking weed, but his life spirals downward as he loses all his friends, his health deteriorates and he forgets how to laugh.
Writer: Alex Hargrove

The Fourth Wiseman
When the local king tries to snuff out baby Jesus, only one man can save the savior. He is the little known fourth wiseman “Chuck,” and he is a total badass.
Based on a pitch by Chuck Norris.

Uwe Boll miffed only three of his films on Metacritic’s ‘worst of decade’ list

‘What about Postal or BloodRayne?’ he wonders

With nearly 30 films under his belt, writer-director Uwe Boll is prolific by any standard. He’s also known for being the biggest hack in the industry, so when only three of his films appeared on Metacritic’s “Worst Movies of the Decade” list, Boll was understandably upset.

“Each movie I make is another chance to cement my spot as the worst auteur in Hollywood. I take that very seriously,” he said. “At first glance, yes, more of my movies made the list than anyone else’s, but only three? There could have been a dozen, at least.”

Boll’s trio of films deemed horrendous enough to warrant “worst” status were House of the Dead, In The Name of The King and Alone In The Dark, with miserable scores of 30, 15 and 9, respectively.

“On top of the fact that they didn’t even include my other works like Postal, BloodRayne and Blackwoods, I also had just one film with a single digit score,” he complained. “It’s bullshit.”

But it isn’t all bad, says Boll. According to the German-born director, Metacritic has basically issued him a challenge, and it’s one he intends to meet with his entire arsenal of bad storylines, terrible direction and objectionable themes.

“This next decade will be my worst yet,” said Boll. “I guarantee it.”