10. No more Botox until June.
9. Stop cheating on my wife with my assistant.
8. Stop cheating on my assistant with transvestite hookers.
7. Read cousin’s script like I promised, but only if there’s time and it doesn’t suck.
6. Give myself one last year to make it or it’s back to Maine to take over dad’s furniture restoration business.
5. 20% more hair plugs.
4. Make a quality film or at least get insanely rich while making a shitty one.
3. Get on the Facebook.
2. Ruin someone’s career and/or screw their wife, then tell the whole town.
1. Be more like Judd Apatow.
Monthly Archives: December 2009
10. No more Botox until June.
The Heir Cleaner
A rebellious teenager inherits the struggling Ionic Breeze Company when his estranged father passes away. The teen turns things around by marketing the air cleaners specifically to potheads.
Writer: Gary Benson
The touching story of a family that lives next to California’s largest trash dump.
Writer: Zach Helm
Olive Garden Of Eden
Eve travels through time and gets a job at the Olive Garden, where she meets Adam Goldberg, a nerdy high school kid. But can their love survive the evil assistant manager, Michael Satan?
Writer: Josh Rosen
Based on the popular laminate counter tops. Plot being kept under wraps.
Lists are great.
But sometimes you have to experience Hollywood events in script form. Like the year of 2009, for example.
Norelco shaver sent back to North Pole unopened
Shortly after discovering a green and red package marked “from Santa” under his Christmas tree, Creative Artists Agency lawyer John Hansen brought the present to his local UPS Store and shipped it back to the North Pole.
“Although I appreciate your holiday spirit, I have a firm policy of returning all unsolicited material,” Hansen wrote to Santa Claus. “Accordingly, I am forwarding your present back to you, unopened. To the extent that your gift is similar to what someone else may have given me, the similarities are purely coincidental.”
Unfortunately, the package was actually a gift from his wife.
“He’s like some sort of automaton,” said Brenda Hansen. “Anytime he comes across something he didn’t ask for, he rejects it. The other day we were at the Olive Garden and he demanded they take back his glass of water.”
Asked if she would replace the gift, Brenda wasn’t sure.
“I guess I’ll have to ask him first, just to go through the proper channels,” she said. “It’s too bad, because I think he really would have liked that shaver.”
‘Not so jolly anymore’ he laments
A grizzled private detective teams up with a 10-year-old boy to track down Santa Claus, who has been kidnapped two days before Christmas.
Writer: Martin Leffles
A pothead makes a New Year’s Resolution to stop smoking weed, but his life spirals downward as he loses all his friends, his health deteriorates and he forgets how to laugh.
Writer: Alex Hargrove
The Fourth Wiseman
When the local king tries to snuff out baby Jesus, only one man can save the savior. He is the little known fourth wiseman “Chuck,” and he is a total badass.
Based on a pitch by Chuck Norris.
A surprise visit from the Make-A-Wish Foundation turned into an impromptu pitch-fest when failed writer Randy Hodgson used his son Matthew’s dream of meeting Will Smith as an opportunity to seek Hollywood access from the film star.
“I took Matthew’s hand and told him he was the bravest little boy I knew,” said Smith. “And then his dad jumped in talkin’ bout how bravery is the theme of some story he did about Civil War werewolves.”
While Smith typically enjoys engaging children from the foundation in video games or one-to-one chats, the senior Hodgson insisted on joining the two in Matthew’s hospital room, where he spent the majority of Smith’s visit pitching film premises in which the actor could star.
“I told him about my idea for having him play a gangster who travels back in time and becomes a gladiator. He looked at me for a few minutes but didn’t say anything,” said Hodgson. “He might have been thinking it over.”
Hodgson, a 37-year-old self-published author whose novels include ‘War of Vengeance’ and ‘Danger M,’ insisted on handing Mr. Smith some of his own self-illustrated concept art as well as maps he drew for a fantasy script in which dinosaurs govern humans.
“Ankylosaurus Arch? What the hell’s a damn Ankylosaurus Arch?” Smith remarked, before disposing of Hodgson’s life’s work in a nearby receptacle.
Submitted by K.G.
Based on site traffic…
‘The festival of lights is a total fiction’ claims Holiday Denier