Exclusive ‘Text Message Consultation’ available for $1 per text
The Hollywood Roaster is proud to partner with former ICM intern and freelance script reader Mike Bernell to provide a range of consultation services for today’s gullible writer.
Struggling to get past the industry gatekeepers? Let a former gatekeeper tell you what you’re doing wrong. Complete with official-looking letterhead, as if it’s from people who really matter!
Basic Coverage, Half-Pasted™
You might be wondering why coverage that’s 50% recycled from previous scripts is more expensive than all-new coverage from our Basic Package. That’s your first problem: assuming there’s a rhyme or reason to our services. Stop doing that.
Personal Bias Package
Mike hates comedy, horror, action and drama. If you have a screenplay that fits into one of those genres, Mike will be happy to rip it to shreds for you, no matter how good it is. Overnight rush available! Just add 50%.
Using both a physical thesaurus and thesaurus.com, we’ll go through your script and change normal words to big ones. Guaranteed to impress, galvanize, stimulate and thrill your readers! See?
Add $75 for Pseudonym Punch™
You’re not going to address our notes anyway, so let’s just call this what it is: a desperate plea for positive reinforcement. We’re more than happy to oblige, especially since we’d like your return business. We guarantee you won’t be disappointed by our glowing review! Also included is a chart of companies to target with your material, which we can already tell is fabulous.
Misguided Development Notes
We’ve never been part of the actual development or production process on a feature film, but that won’t stop us from giving you all kinds of ignorant, misguided advice!
Add $200 for casting suggestions
Mike has handled literally thousands of scripts in his career, from photocopying them to delivering them to merely stacking them. For some reason, we feel that qualifies him to come up with better titles for your script.
$250 Overnight Rush
Go one-on-one with Mike for just $1 per message. Text ROASTER for more info (charge applies to first text).
If we truly LOVE your script, we’ll blast it out to all six of our contacts. Which is pretty awesome for YOU, because The Hollywood Roaster and Mike Bernell have connections at the top management companies in town (and two in Florida). If you think it’s weird that we have all these hookups, but still can’t work them for our own benefit, please don’t read too much into that. We only care about your success. We promise.
About Mike Bernell
A failed screenwriter himself, Mike can identify the weaknesses in any writer’s script, then exploit and insult those deficiencies for pure profit. His wide-ranging experience includes a 3-month stint at ICM and numerous freelance gigs (i.e. unpaid internships) for small production companies. He is currently unrepped, but working on his 23rd feature screenplay.
“My scripts have NEVER been better. The passes I’ve been getting from managers are much more polite these days. Thanks Hollywood Roaster!!!!!!”
-Sheila Harding from Peoria
“I can’t believe they let me pay for this! It’s like they’re doing me a favor!”
-Bill R. from Dallas
“I never send a script to studios without running it past The Hollywood Roaster first.”
-Marcy B. producer of numerous films
Download the Hollywood Roaster Script Services price chart (PDF).