Bitter nerd issues final demands to ‘Lost’ writers via message board

Comic collector and EverQuest champion Curtis Callahan submitted his final list of demands to the writers of “Lost” Friday evening, sending the show’s writing staff scrambling to meet the unemployed 31-year-old’s grandiose expectations for the program’s final season.

Using a message board entitled “Gamer Forum,” Callahan warned the show’s writers they have until the end of this season to deliver a final twist that not only wraps up every single story element ever introduced in the show, but also reveals some massive, mind-bending reality that was “there all along.”

Added Callahan: “And it’d better have the smoke monster.”

“You don’t say ‘no’ to Curtis Callahan,” said Damon Lindelof, the show’s executive producer and head writer. “His opinion is too important.”

Callahan also made a checklist of issues that he feels need to be addressed in the show’s final season, as well as areas in which he could have easily done a better job.

“That’s why we look to Callahan,” said Lindelof. “Because he knows a hell of a lot more about writing great television than we do. Take, for instance, the smoke monster. Had we only made it the focal point of Season 2 instead of the intriguingly volatile relationship between Jack Shephard and John Locke, maybe we could spend all day chatting with other misanthropic weirdoes instead of being stuck on this highly successful show.”

Callahan has been known to crack the whip when he feels his superior intellect is not being adequately served. It was reported last month that his blog review of “Avatar” caused director James Cameron to cry after Callahan referred to him as a “white-haired hack.”

“So many years of work,” said Cameron, lowering his head in humiliation. “All I wanted was his approval.”

Submitted by K.G. MadMan

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1 Comment

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One response to “Bitter nerd issues final demands to ‘Lost’ writers via message board

  1. mmowrer

    Does Callahan have any opinions on the direction he wants G.I. Joe 2 to go? Also, if James Cameron directed Avatar then who was the lesbian who accepted its best picture award at the Golden Globes?

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