THR Predicts Next Week’s Late Night Jokes (1/25-1/29)

Predictions for Letterman, Kimmel, Ferguson, Fallon:

Last week, the world’s tallest man met the world’s shortest man at a promotional event in Europe. No word yet on what Jeff Zucker was paid for the appearance.

The Supreme Court has ruled there should be no limit to what corporations can spend endorsing political candidates. That shocked Fox News contributor Sarah Palin, who knew courts could be awesome, but not officially “supreme.”

In other news, President Obama will give his first State of the Union on Wednesday, presented by The Home Depot.

Octomom appeared in Star Magazine wearing a bikini. A lot of people have argued that the picture was Photoshopped, but the people at Star said her body was so ravaged, it was actually easier to just Photoshop your eyes before you looked at it.

The cast members of Jersey Shore have asked for $10,000 an episode for season 2. In lieu of the huge raise, they’d also be willing to accept a 2-year membership to the QuickGlow tanning salon.

Dozens of runners competing in a Chinese marathon were caught jumping into cars for part of the race. According to government officials, the runners never would’ve thought of something so sneaky if Google had just blocked news coverage of Jay Leno’s underhanded Tonight Show takeover.

An epic hockey fight in Russia’s under-10-year-old league resulted in a whopping 707 penalty minutes, and all the kids were sent to bed without their nightly shots of vodka.

Andy Dick was arrested for sexual abuse over the weekend after he groped another man and forcefully kissed him. Officials punished the comedian by placing him in a cell with one cot and six other men.

A top minor league pitcher for the Oakland A’s has given up baseball to become a Catholic priest. When asked why, the 23-year-old said even the priesthood pays better than the Oakland A’s.

TSA officials recently tested a full body scanner and it was unable to detect bomb parts. Apparently it was able to detect a bomb in the making, however, as it continually beeped every time Jay Leno walked through it.

The President’s approval ratings have dipped so low, the First Dog won’t even hump his leg. Luckily, Keith Olbermann has agreed to pick up the slack.

Predictions for Jay Leno:

Last week, the world’s tallest man met the world’s shortest man at a promotional event in Europe. Somehow I’m guessing they “met in the middle.” Get it?!

The Supreme Court has ruled there should be no limit to what corporations can spend endorsing political candidates. Or in other words, business as usual. Exactly!

President Obama will give his first State of the Union on Wednesday during primetime, pre-empting my show. Just another reason I stole my old late night slot back.

Octomom appeared in Star Magazine wearing a bikini. I guess after that many kids, we should just be impressed she can stand up straight. Am I right, Kevin? Come on!

The cast members of Jersey Shore have asked for $10,000 an episode for season 2. That’s more than I pay my writers! At least it should be given this monologue.

Dozens of runners competing in a Chinese marathon were caught jumping into cars for part of the race. And I say good work. Do whatever it takes to get ahead.

An epic hockey fight in Russia’s under-10-year-old league resulted in a whopping 707 penalty minutes. I wanted to be upset by this, but then I was like “what’s hockey?” You know…cause it’s not very popular here?

Andy Dick was arrested for sexual abuse over the weekend after he groped another man and forcefully kissed him. Boy, talk about one of your all-time celebrity boners!

A top minor league pitcher for the Oakland Athletics has given up baseball to become a Catholic priest. Apparently he wants to work with children. [Ooooohs from audience] Come on, it’s funny! It’s comedy with an edge!

TSA officials recently tested a full body scanner and it was unable to detect bomb parts. That’s where our tax dollars are going? [Crickets] Uh, but hey we got a great show for you tonight…

The President’s approval ratings have dipped so low, they’re even worse than mine.

Download the PDF: Next Week In Late Night (1/25-1/29)

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