‘They just don’t understand marketing’ claims studio
Paramount’s Vice-President of Marketing Bradley Stanfield recently bemoaned dismal box office returns for CLOROXIA – the first in a trilogy of movies based on the household bleach Clorox. According to Stanfield, the public “wouldn’t know marketing brilliance if it wiped the dirt and grime right off their stupid face.”
“Why did Cloroxia flop?” he asked, wearing a stark white shirt and smelling vaguely clinical. “Moviegoers aren’t smart enough to understand the film’s brilliance – it’s totally funded and has the marketing sponsorship built right into the damn concept! What more do they want?”
The marketing veep wasn’t alone in his surprise that Cloroxia didn’t “clean up” in theaters. The film’s female star was also taken aback by the $5 million opening weekend total.
“My character battled all kinds of giant germlike creatures,” said Martha Stewart, who played the role of Captain Mom. “Plus, my vehicle in the movie could blast bacteria away with giant disinfectant lasers, just like Clorox…except without the lasers. It’s more of a fine mist or gentle cloth, depending on your choice of product. To be honest, both are equally handy.”
Studio execs remain hopeful that the franchise will recoup costs overseas and through themed merchandise.