Category Archives: Directors

Uwe Boll miffed only three of his films on Metacritic’s ‘worst of decade’ list

‘What about Postal or BloodRayne?’ he wonders

With nearly 30 films under his belt, writer-director Uwe Boll is prolific by any standard. He’s also known for being the biggest hack in the industry, so when only three of his films appeared on Metacritic’s “Worst Movies of the Decade” list, Boll was understandably upset.

“Each movie I make is another chance to cement my spot as the worst auteur in Hollywood. I take that very seriously,” he said. “At first glance, yes, more of my movies made the list than anyone else’s, but only three? There could have been a dozen, at least.”

Boll’s trio of films deemed horrendous enough to warrant “worst” status were House of the Dead, In The Name of The King and Alone In The Dark, with miserable scores of 30, 15 and 9, respectively.

“On top of the fact that they didn’t even include my other works like Postal, BloodRayne and Blackwoods, I also had just one film with a single digit score,” he complained. “It’s bullshit.”

But it isn’t all bad, says Boll. According to the German-born director, Metacritic has basically issued him a challenge, and it’s one he intends to meet with his entire arsenal of bad storylines, terrible direction and objectionable themes.

“This next decade will be my worst yet,” said Boll. “I guarantee it.”

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Troy Duffy featured on cover of Douche Magazine

‘Boondock Saints 2’ director riding high

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James Wan horrifies Thanksgiving Day guests with live turkey beheading

Also spends two hours mutilating potatoes

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Closer inspection reveals Roland Emmerich is mostly CGI

Pixelated hair gives away veteran director’s dark secret

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Ron Howard spotted smoking 3-foot bong before AFF panel discussion

‘Just needed something to calm nerves’ he claims

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Fanboy prays for continued health of J.J. Abrams

‘May he never stop making awesome movies’

16-year-old Bobby Cronendell of rural Ohio is the son of an Evangelical preacher, but he’s also a devout fanboy, which is why he asks Jesus every night to protect his idol J.J. Abrams from harm.

“Please Lord, at least keep him safe until he produces the Star Trek sequel in 2011,” Cronendell recently prayed. “I won’t watch late night Cinemax ever again, I promise.”

And those are just his bedtime prayers. According to Cronendell’s mom Judy, nearly half the time Bobby says grace before dinner, it’s a not-so-veiled plea for more action-packed entertainment.

“Please bless this food and all the wonderful people in the world, especially major motion picture directors who know exactly what the public wants,” he recently said at the dinner table. “You know who I’m talking about. Please watch over Kevin Smith too, I guess.”

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Uwe Boll’s ‘Blood Sergeant’ snubbed by Austin Film Festival

Controversial German helmer decries elitist judges

uweWhen you’re the creative force behind a film about a psychotic Miami police sergeant hellbent on avenging the murder of his twin sisters, you don’t expect to be shut out of the Austin Film Festival.

At least not if your name is Uwe Boll.

“It is a shit move,” he said, referring to the festival’s decision not to accept his latest R-rated bloodbath. “They let in some boring Charlize Theron movie, but apparently my bullet-riddled romp through Florida’s mafia-controlled gambling scene is not good enough for them.”

When asked why his 92-minute pic starring an unknown kick boxer deserved to be screened at the festival, Boll turned angry.

“The main character kills 23 different people,” he said. “What more do you want to know? Oh, here’s a tidbit: his twin sisters were murdered by the European drug dealer he’s chasing. Feel stupid now?”

This is the 12th straight year Boll has been shut out of the festival.

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