Category Archives: Execs

Desperate studio exec can’t find a single original idea in all of Netflix

‘Where else am I supposed to look?’

Confused studio exec Marvin Jones searched Netflix.com for six hours yesterday, but was unable to find anything that hadn’t already been turned into a movie.

“Why is this so hard?” he complained, close to tears. “It’s almost like I have no clue how to locate — or even recognize — original ideas. Do they mean like ‘original’ as in ‘before 1987?’”

Jones isn’t alone.

With remakes and adaptations failing at the box office this summer, Hollywood’s big wigs are turning to original ideas. They just don’t know where to find them.

“I heard a story about some producer back in the 90’s who made an original film,” said Disney exec Jennifer Wilson. “I wonder how he discovered it…like in a book or something? Hey, we should make a movie about that – the search for ideas. Does that count?”

Instead of turning to screenwriters, many confused studio execs have scoured toy store shelves, tabloid pages, other studios’ websites, and comic book stores.

“We’ll find that next original idea,” vowed Wilson. “Maybe it’s on a cereal box, or maybe it’s already been shot for television. Either way, we’ll deliver audiences something they’ve never seen before, at least not in theatres…during the last decade or so.”

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THR Comic — The Zucker Paradox

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Producer shocked to learn ‘garbage man’ a real job

Thought it was just something extras did in movies

Jeff Belsin has spent the last 15 years in the bubble of Hollywood, detached from reality. So when his wife told him the garbage man didn’t take the refrigerator they left out behind the house, Belsin was perplexed.

“Wait, garbage men are real? People literally go around picking up trash for a living?” he asked. “I thought that was some horrible job writers made up to add grittiness to movies and episodes of Law & Order.”

After realizing her husband wasn’t joking, Belsin’s wife suggested it might be time to switch professions, or at least take a vacation.

“I’m beginning to worry that Jeff doesn’t realize there’s a world outside of movies where people struggle and lead normal lives,” she said. “His idea of struggling is when a movie gets stuck in turnaround and he doesn’t collect his production fee.”

According to sources, Belsin also believes people routinely trade places with animals, and cars explode when you shoot them.

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Ron Howard spotted smoking 3-foot bong before AFF panel discussion

‘Just needed something to calm nerves’ he claims

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Desperate producer tries to convince studio that fortune cookies count as ‘existing properties’

‘There are only so many comic books in the world!’ he claims

fortunecookieMosaic producer Bob Tremble was recently shot down by Paramount execs when he tried to convince them that the fortune he found in a stale Chinese cookie last month could be the basis for a four-quadrant tentpole film.

“Who knows how many people have already seen this thing?” he asked, defiantly slapping the white slip of paper on the exec’s desk. “I’ve personally opened this message like ten times, so it’s definitely got some market awareness — and possibly a cult following.”

While the fortune, which reads “You will be successful in love and work,” does indeed tie into Tremble’s pitch for a family comedy, Paramount VP Mike Andersen wasn’t buying it.

“It’s a bit of a stretch,” he said. “I can’t go to the board with a 2-inch piece of paper and tell them it’s their next $150 million investment. Unless Will Smith was attached…or maybe even if he was the one who opened the fortune in the first place.”

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Producer tries to convince Fox exec his movie idea is ‘five quadrant’

Studio not buying it

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Veteran writer replaced by that chick the studio exec bangs on Tuesdays

‘She’s great in a room’

Sheila the receptionist is finally getting her shot to write a feature film, thanks in no small part to the fact she lets Paramount exec Ronny Halperin “have his way with her” every Tuesday afternoon in her Santa Monica studio apartment.

“I’ve always loved Hollywood!” exclaimed Sheila Madison, 22, a high school graduate. “So I told Ronny, I said ‘hey Ronny, can I write that new movie about the crime guys and stuff?’”

According to Madison, Halperin initially laughed at the idea, but he quickly changed his mind when she threatened to tell his wife about their arrangement.

“I can’t wait to start coming up with ideas for my movie,” said Madison. “I’m pretty sure I want the main character to be played by Reese Witherspoon. She’s hilarious!”

This marks the second time screenwriter Bob Thomas has been replaced on a project by someone who has no writing experience. The previous incident involved a producer’s unemployed nephew.

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