Category Archives: Writers

THR Classic: Pasty screenwriter suffers severe burns after eight minutes in sun

Script sale celebration goes horribly awry

Screenwriter Alan Befflestein is in stable condition with third degree burns on his chest and face after what would’ve been a routine day at the beach for most people. Unfortunately for Befflestein, whose lily-white skin has not seen the light of day in nearly a dozen years, just a few minutes in the sun was almost enough to kill him.

“I knew it had been a while since I went outside,” said Befflestein. “But I actually thought the sizzling sound was someone having a beach barbecue or whatever. You can imagine my surprise when I realized it was the sound of my own flesh being fried by UV rays.”

According to friends and family, Befflestein has been a hermit since the mid-90s, when he moved to Los Angeles to embark on a screenwriting career.

“He came out to a party a few years ago,” said Jerry Denton, Befflestein’s former roommate. “It was at night, though. I honestly can’t remember the last time I’ve seen him outside during the day. He’s usually holed-up at home…just writing away. Another few minutes and he would have been cooked.”

Dateless since early 2004, Befflestein believes the brush with death will be good for him.

“Luckily I just sold my first script, so I can use the cash on the 10 or 12 skin graft surgeries I’ll need to regain my below-average looks,” he said. “Then I’m gonna get back out there and rejoin society…the moment I finish my next script, of course.”

** This THR Classic was first posted in June 2009 **

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Screenwriter stands up for himself

Everyone in room shocked, appalled

WGA member Allan Burns surprised a conference room full of people more important than him on Thursday, meekly uttering the word “no” when asked if he could change the love interest in his drama script from a 35-year-old divorcee to a 19-year-old exotic dancer.

“At first I waited for him to finish,” said studio exec John Sharper. “Like maybe he was going to say ‘no problem’ or ‘no way would I ever dream of saying no to you, sir.’ But then he just sat there, sweating, his sentence completed. It was weird.”

And what followed was even weirder: nobody objected.

“First of all, it’s pretty disgusting to see a little piss-ant word jockey talk back to the marketing department like that. At the same time, it’s no big deal,” said Sharper. “We’re bringing in a new writer next week anyway.”

According to Burns, he just felt it was time to make a stand.

“I’ve been agreeing to changes ever since I started writing. Last story meeting they brought the janitor in to give me character notes,” he said. “I finally got fed up and decided to stand my ground.”

Unfortunately, the courageous moment was canceled out when Burns later agreed to rewrite the entire script for free, after someone in the room claimed he was “being difficult.”

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Terrible script causes industry-wide outbreak of Reader’s Block

Bob Benson’s romantic comedy about two beat cops who fall in love was recently linked to a crippling strain of Reader’s Block, affecting everyone from his own mother to many of Hollywood’s busiest assistants.

“I don’t know anyone that’s been able to get past page four,” said ICM assistant Sally Weaver, referring to ‘To Beat Or Not To Beat.’ “In fact, the script has affected my other reading duties. Ever since I put it down, I’ve been unable to read anything else without feeling nauseous.”

Benson’s mother was not yet convinced her son’s script is the cause of her Reader’s Block.

“Oh I don’t think this has anything to do with Bobby’s stories,” she said. “I’ve been meaning to get new glasses for months. That’s probably the cause of it. He’s so talented. Now could you be a dear and read this shopping list for me? Words repulse me. You know, because of the glasses.”

New cases of the strain are being discovered hourly, prompting many agencies and production companies to instruct their personnel to postpone all reading until copies of Benson’s script can be deleted from their computer systems.

“We have to stop this now before it spreads,” said one industry insider. “God forbid someone finishes the script and gets coverage of it in the hands of executives. The entire industry could grind to a halt.”

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THR Classic: Writer still pretending split with rep was mutual decision

‘It was just time for both of us to move on’ he lies

Unrepped comedy writer Mike Jenkins recently told yet another literary manager that his December split with Anonymous Content’s Andrew Gold was a mutual decision.

“It was totally amicable and mutual,” said Jenkins. “I mean, don’t contact him or anything. We just had creative differences, so it was one of those things where both of us decided to part ways. Now are you gonna sign me or what?”

Jenkins has already been caught in the lie on four separate occasions, but he continues to use it, as nobody has bothered to tell him that people actually know each other in Hollywood.

“What’s someone gonna do? Email Andrew and check up on me?” asked Jenkins. “Come on, nobody has time for that.”

Jenkins then fired off 47 more queries claiming he and Gold “had a great working relationship” that “ended respectfully.”

** This THR Classic was first posted in October 2009 **

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Angry emoticon totally uncalled for, claims message board member

‘Don’t give me that look!’ he fires back

A red, scowling emoticon recently set off an epic message board fight that resulted in at least two members vowing to never again post in the screenwriting forum. According to SirTypesALot44, the use of the small icon, meant to indicate disdain and anger, was totally uncalled for.

“It’s not surprising that stupid face is the best you can do, you fvcking hack!” he wrote to JimmyShire, a longtime rival on the board. “I’m out of here…for good this time. You all won’t have me to kick around anymore.”

And leave he did, but not before unloading a 3,400-word rant detailing not only the reasons he was leaving, but everything else that was going on in his life.

“I just went through a DIVORCE, okay?” he wrote. “So the last thing I need is more drama from wannabes. I’ve seen your pages in the feedback threads. Awful. I can’t decide which is worse – your writing or your attitude.”

As SirTypesALot44 and JimmyShire traded insults and nearly a dozen more emoticons, professional screenwriter Bob Telford – known on the boards as BigB – decided he too would depart.

“I’m just disgusted by all of it,” he said. “I came here to dispense advice and hang out with other writers. Inevitably, every thread these days turns into an argument between two people who will probably never make it in the business anyway.”

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Producer shocked to learn plumber won’t work on spec

‘So it’s just the writers?’

Longtime Hollywood producer Bob Hammond was recently surprised to discover that most people won’t work for free.

“I’ve been dealing with writers so long, I guess I forgot what it’s like to negotiate with a real professional. They actually require payment for their services,” said Hammond. “Usually I just pay screenwriters an empty compliment, and that’s enough to keep them plugging away another six or seven months.”

Hammond, currently having his bathroom remodeled, agreed to pay plumber Joe Escobar his full quote for the project.

“At first I thought I could find another plumber who might do the work for free. Like a really young guy just trying to cut his teeth in the home improvement business,” said Hammond. “But it turns out only screenwriters devalue their services by offering to work without payment. I think it has something to do with their low self-esteem…or that most of them are hacks.”

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THR Classic: Failed screenwriter becomes successful script consultant

Now charging $250 for advice she herself never followed

Pasadena native Sally Trenton recently transformed herself into “one of Hollywood’s top script consultants,” despite having been one of Hollywood’s worst screenwriters for the past six years.

“I’ve found that it’s much easier to critique other people’s work than actually create quality material of my own,” said Trenton. “Plus I’ve written so many bad scripts, I know how to spot what’s wrong with them.”

Despite never having secured representation or any discernible level of interest from Hollywood producers, Trenton, who has written 14 screenplays, claims she has the insight to help aspiring screenwriters get their scripts ready for the market.

“The last thing you want to do is send someone a script that isn’t ready,” she said. “Unless that someone is me, because how else would I make a living! But seriously, send me $250 and a PDF of your script, and I’ll send you back some extremely subjective notes that may improve your script up to 5%. I’ve read all the best screenwriting books so you don’t have to.”

In the two months since Trenton began marketing her services, she has already helped dozens of amateur writers take their scripts to the next level.

“Two of them made the first cut at Scriptapalooza,” she said. “It’s pretty exciting helping make dreams come true!”

** This THR Classic was first posted in October 2008 **

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