Bob Benson’s romantic comedy about two beat cops who fall in love was recently linked to a crippling strain of Reader’s Block, affecting everyone from his own mother to many of Hollywood’s busiest assistants.
“I don’t know anyone that’s been able to get past page four,” said ICM assistant Sally Weaver, referring to ‘To Beat Or Not To Beat.’ “In fact, the script has affected my other reading duties. Ever since I put it down, I’ve been unable to read anything else without feeling nauseous.”
Benson’s mother was not yet convinced her son’s script is the cause of her Reader’s Block.
“Oh I don’t think this has anything to do with Bobby’s stories,” she said. “I’ve been meaning to get new glasses for months. That’s probably the cause of it. He’s so talented. Now could you be a dear and read this shopping list for me? Words repulse me. You know, because of the glasses.”
New cases of the strain are being discovered hourly, prompting many agencies and production companies to instruct their personnel to postpone all reading until copies of Benson’s script can be deleted from their computer systems.
“We have to stop this now before it spreads,” said one industry insider. “God forbid someone finishes the script and gets coverage of it in the hands of executives. The entire industry could grind to a halt.”
Proving once again that nothing is sacred in Hollywood, the city’s iconic sign has been re-imagined with the number “2” at the end.
“The postcard revenues alone will bring untold millions to the industry at a time when we really need it,” said a Disney exec, who asked not to be named. “At first we were going to make the sign 3D – then we realized it already was! So we did the next best thing and turned it into a sequel.”
When asked if he felt the new sign improved upon the old one, the exec shrugged.
“I don’t understand the question,” he said. “It will make us money. People liked the old sign, so it stands to reason they’ll like the rebooted version even more.”
According to producer Michael Bay, this wouldn’t have been possible as recently as five or six years ago.
“The industry has changed,” he said. “Now nobody blinks an eye if you slap a ‘2’ or ‘3’ on something and call it a day.”
Kevin Wellmeyer recently borrowed against his Pasadena home in order to pay for a night at the movies. Just don’t expect him to be upset about it.
“It’s totally worth it,” he said. “That new A-Team movie looks awesome! And so what if I had to leverage my house because I wanted a reasonably-sized popcorn?”
According to Wellmeyer, “they could raise ticket prices 3000%” and he’d still pay to see movies like The Karate Kid, Sex And The City 2, and Shrek Forever After.
“First of all, the quality of films just keeps better and better, so I’m willing to pay more,” he said. “Secondly, this is really my only entertainment option when you think about it. What else am I gonna do, watch something online for free?”
Once the equity of his house is fully tapped, Wellmeyer plans to pay for future trips to the theater by selling his organs on the black market.
“No price is too high,” he said. “I’d trade a kidney for a ticket to Toy Story 3 any day.”
‘It was just time for both of us to move on’ he lies
Unrepped comedy writer Mike Jenkins recently told yet another literary manager that his December split with Anonymous Content’s Andrew Gold was a mutual decision.
“It was totally amicable and mutual,” said Jenkins. “I mean, don’t contact him or anything. We just had creative differences, so it was one of those things where both of us decided to part ways. Now are you gonna sign me or what?”
Jenkins has already been caught in the lie on four separate occasions, but he continues to use it, as nobody has bothered to tell him that people actually know each other in Hollywood.
“What’s someone gonna do? Email Andrew and check up on me?” asked Jenkins. “Come on, nobody has time for that.”
Jenkins then fired off 47 more queries claiming he and Gold “had a great working relationship” that “ended respectfully.”
** This THR Classic was first posted in October 2009 **
A bunch of geeks hack their way into a pharmaceutical drug company’s system and steal a top-secret nasal decongestant formula.
Writer: Tad Devine
The security guard of a fast food restaurant takes down a group of armed robbers.
Based on the 2007 Chicago Tribune article.
Wings Of My Sisters
Touching romantic comedy about four women who band together to find their lonely, introverted friend a husband. Jennifer Aniston rumored to star.
Writer: Lisa Margaret Reilly-Hartnett