Tag Archives: Academy Awards
Vilanch begs FCC to lift profanity ban for telecast
Looking to improve ratings for the once-proud Oscars telecast, producers Bill Condon and Laurence Mark have decided to scrap the show’s traditional format in favor of one focused solely around Christian Bale’s rant on the set of the new Terminator film. Exact details are not yet known, but here are…
THE TOP TEN THINGS TO LOOK FOR DURING THE ACADEMY AWARDS BROADCAST
10. Show begins with elaborate, unfunny sketch in which Hugh Jackman snaps on some production assistant who wanders on stage behind him
9. Christian Bale screws up video apology to fans by calling them all “fucking retards” when he thinks the camera isn’t rolling
8. Hugh Jackman admits Bale was supposed to host the show, but the FCC put the kibosh on it “for some reason.” Jackman fills the ensuing dead air with a blank smile and/or his next comment is bleeped out
7. Joke about the good old days when crazy actors just flipped out on Oprah’s couch
6. Elaborate stage production featuring two dozen men in Batman costumes re-enacting what Bale probably complained about on set of Dark Knight
5. Bale awarded Oscar for Best Actor In A Swearing Role
4. Pathetic joke about security not letting Bale in because they heard rumors he might be trying to sneak in a few thousand “f-bombs”
3. Three different award recipients promising to go “all Bale” on the orchestra director if he doesn’t let them finish
2. Terrible joke about how Barack Obama should’ve been sworn into office with one hand on Christian Bale’s head
1. Show sucks once again, almost as if it was written and produced by a bunch of people over 50 who still think jokes about gays and Jack Nicholson make for great comedy
Filmmakers shocked ‘poignant satire’ was overlooked
Every once in a while, a movie comes along that’s so unique and compelling, it’s a lock for Oscar gold. Such was not the case with Meet The Spartans, a sweeping spoof comedy that was completely locked out of this year’s nominations.
“It’s probably because the voters are lame-ass shit-dongs,” said Spartans co-director Aaron Seltzer. “This film has more gay jokes than Slumdog Millionaire and Milk combined. It’s like the Academy doesn’t even care about that stuff.”
Seltzer’s directing partner Jason Friedberg agreed.
“Blow me,” he said. “We worked on this script for like 45 minutes, and we don’t even get a single nod for Best Screenplay? That’s why we did the scene with Leonidas shoving the Oscar statuette up his ass. It’s a comment on the state of film critique in this country. Those fucknards are only interested in retarded movies that make most people want to vomit.”
According to Academy president Sid Ganis, Meet The Spartans was given proper consideration.
“Each film is judged on its own merit,” said Ganis. “Our members take their roles very seriously. Unfortunately we don’t yet have a ‘Worst Film’ category, otherwise Spartans certainly could’ve been nominated.”
Ganis then suggested Friedberg and Seltzer try making a quality film next time around.
“You know, one that doesn’t seem like it was written by a dyslexic 9-year-old,” he said.
‘I want it to be just perfect!’ shrieks giddy Oscar writer
After years of writing sub-par material for the Academy Awards, Bruce Vilanch has personally challenged himself to write jokes and skits “worthy of Mr. Jackman’s handsomeness.”
“He’s just so wonderful,” said Vilanch, staring at a picture of the Wolverine star. “On the one hand, he can be really gritty, but on the other, he’s such a sweetheart. Maybe I should write myself into a dance number with him.”
When asked what type of material he was preparing for Jackman, the first non-comedian to host the Oscars in years, Vilanch laughed.
“Start with the usual topical jokes about Hollywood – some tasteful, others appropriately edgy like suggesting half the audience is gay or whatever – then let your imagination run wild,” he said. “I mean, with movies like ‘Milk’ and ‘The Wrestler,’ who knows what kind of craziness I’ll come up with!”
Vilanch then retired to his writing office wearing a hot pink shirt emblazoned with the words “hot pink shirt.”