‘Those hacks are just jealous’ he claims
Aspiring screenwriter Josh Wellmeyer recently took a break from five different unpaid “assignments” to address allegations that his free work is hurting other scribes, as well as the screenwriting community as a whole.
“Bullshit,” he said. “We’re all on an even playing field. I just happen to be a hundred thousand dollars less expensive than many of the pros, most of whom are hacks anyway.”
Added Wellmeyer: “Once you get past the huge money gap, it’s all about talent.”
Wellmeyer has even gone so far as to contend his actions are helping other writers.
“Those established guys are lazy as hell,” he said. “I’ve got like six assignments lined up and I haven’t had to pitch hardly anything. In some ways, I’m pushing those older writers to work harder for their money. I sure am!”
Producers couldn’t be happier with writers like Wellmeyer.
“It’s awesome. They totally devalue writers, making the process cheaper for us,” said an AMPTP spokesperson. “Sure, their work is kinda terrible, but we can always bring in a talented writer to fix it later. And since they’re so desperate, we can pay them a lot less than before. Thank you Josh Wellmeyer. Thank you.”
‘Every 20 actors hired, we get another Gulfstream’
Negotiators for the Alliance of Motion Picture & Television Producers went on the offensive over the weekend, amending their “final offer” to include a new clause stipulating that SAG must give the producers a new private jet for every 20 actors hired.
“If SAG leadership is going to ignore the economic realities during this bargaining process by asking for ridiculous concessions like 2% raises and slightly better residuals, then we want more jets,” said an AMPTP spokesperson. “I’m pretty sure I need my own Gulfstream as badly as some no-name character actor needs health insurance.”
According to the AMPTP, the “Jet Clause” is simply the first of many demands the AMPTP plans to bring to the table if SAG continues to stall.
“Next week it could be required handjobs for the EP at the wrap of every day,” said the spokesperson. “There’s no telling what we might come up with. Hell, some of the studio heads want to wipe out actors altogether and move to 100% animation.”
‘Won’t take any lip from either side’
In an effort to avert a second guild strike in less than a year, the government has assigned sassy TV personality Judge Judy as federal mediator in the ongoing AMPTP-SAG negotiations.
“We could not be happier with their choice,” said SAG executive director Doug Allen. “Judge Judy is in the unique position of understanding the law, Hollywood and negotiating tactics. Plus she’s got some ‘tude on her!”
The stern TV judge has promised to bring a quick end to the proceedings.
“I won’t stand for any shenanigans by these jerks,” she said, referring to both sides. “Between the whiny actors and the selfish, egotistical producers, we’ve got a whole lot of crybabies in this town. Well guess what? Playtime’s over!”
After just one day on the job, Judge Judy has already fostered an environment conducive to shouting, theatrics and simple life lessons.
“It’s going great!” said an AMPTP spokesperson. “I’ve never had this much fun crushing people’s dreams – anything goes when double-J is on the bench!”