Tag Archives: aspiring writer

Vague fortune cookie convinces aspiring writer to stay in LA another year

‘You will achieve a goal soon’

After nearly half a decade trying to make it as a screenwriter, Pasadena resident and Applebee’s waiter Bob Pelford was about to give up hope and move back to Iowa – until a fateful trip to Panda Express on Saturday.

“On the one hand, I’m like $65,000 in debt already,” he said. “On the other, I get this fortune cookie message that basically proves I’m gonna sell a script really soon.”

Added Pelford: “How could I possibly leave LA now, when I’m so close to achieving my goal?”

The 34-year-old scribe, who plans to give the dream “at least one more year” to come to fruition, has been in this situation before.

“I almost gave up two years ago, but then my friend’s cousin, who used to be an intern at ICM, told me one of my scripts was ‘not terrible.’ I knew I was making progress, so I put that month’s rent on my credit card and stuck it out,” said Pelford. “Thanks to my part-time job at Applebee’s, I’m only running a $500 deficit each month. But once I sell my first script, I’ll cover that easy.”

Eleven other people received the same exact fortune cookie over the weekend. Six thought it meant they’d land that role, four felt it predicted successful writing careers, and one man believed it was about his weight loss regimen.

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Writer’s Facebook status informs friends of continued delusion

‘Tom Jenkins finished Act 2! Yeahhh!’

Friends and acquaintances of aspiring writer Tom Jenkins were disappointed to learn he’s still trying to break into screenwriting, despite nearly a decade of failure.

“I was checking Facebook and saw Tom’s status about him working on some script,” said longtime friend Barry Cole. “I can’t believe he’s still trying to follow his dreams like that. I guess he never went to law school, after all.”

Jenkins, whose dedication to screenwriting has cost him at least two promotions at work, typically devotes 80% of his Facebook activity to networking and/or sharing progress on his projects.

“Just when I thought I didn’t have to hear about his writing anymore, he starts Facebooking about it,” said Sally Rumsfeld, a former coworker of Jenkins. “I’m pretty sure I have to de-friend him, as his constant updates were one of the reasons I left the company to begin with.”

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THR Radio Report: Writer prematurely breaks up with girlfriend before selling script

Click Here To Listen

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New media gives aspiring scribe yet another path toward failure

Even in 2-minute increments, writer’s work still heinous

The advent of new media has created a growing demand for inventive storylines and compelling characters, but there’s still no market for the hackwork produced by 28-year-old scribe Andy Kaplan.

“[Kaplan] sent me an idea for a web series based on robot hamsters and their human lovers,” said ICM’s Bob Kelleren. “I don’t even know where to begin criticizing that one. ‘Hambot Love?’ Whatever.”

Undeterred by years of rejection by the film and TV industry, Kaplan has decided to focus his efforts on the digital front.

“I really think my writing caters to the shorter format,” he said. “I’m always getting feedback like ‘the writing doesn’t sustain’ or ‘the story sags in the middle.’ With webisodes, I only have to worry about keeping people interested for two or three minutes, tops.”

In addition to Hambot Love, Kaplan is also working on 13 different reality web series ideas and a mobile entertainment game based on shopping cart racing.

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Writer criticizes everything about industry he desperately wants to be part of

‘Agents are so sleazy’ claims scribe who also dislikes 97% of mainstream movies

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Wife awkwardly changes subject when asked if she liked husband’s script

‘This carpet is filthy!’ she exclaims, reaching for vacuum

Aspiring screenwriter Bob Hendrickson, 48, is starting to think his wife Mary might be purposely trying to avoid giving feedback on his teen comedy “Pukeberty,” which he gave her to read in late October.

“It’s been like two months!” said Hendrickson, shouting over the Dirt Devil. “I saw you skimming it over Thanksgiving!”

Mary, who has become abnormally withdrawn ever since Hendrickson asked her to read his third script in as many months, claims to have not yet finished it.

“Maybe sometime this weekend,” she said, now loading the dishwasher. “I’m sure it’s really sad, honey.”

When Hendrickson replied that the script was a comedy, Mary laughed nervously.

“Right, right…I meant funny,” she said, a tear forming in her eye. “There’s nothing sad or pathetic about the script at all. Everything’s just fine with it, I’m sure. Just like our marriage!”

She then stormed out of the room, muttering something about her ex-boyfriend the doctor, who she recently reconnected with on Facebook.


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Scribe’s father more proud of daughter’s yams than her scripts

‘Cooking is her real talent’

After eating a third helping of the candied yams his daughter made for Thanksgiving, Allan Wilson beamed with pride.

“Now these are damn good yams,” he said to his wife Margaret. “Rhonda should cook for a living, instead of wasting her life writing sappy romantic comedies while she works double shifts at Starbucks.”

According to Wilson, the yams were “absolutely perfect,” while his daughter Rhonda’s scripts are “almost always sickeningly sweet, to the point where I’ve started blaming myself for her total lack of skill and ability. How could this be my child?”

“I know my parents just want the best for me,” said Rhonda, booting up her laptop in the Wilsons’ spare bedroom. “So they understand why I dropped out of grad school to pursue a career in Hollywood. I have a lot of creativity to share.”

When asked if she ever considered a career in the culinary arts, Rhonda seemed confused.

“But I’m so good at writing,” she said. “Cooking would be such an incredible waste of talent. Just ask any of the paid script consultants I work with.”

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90% of aspiring scribe’s coworkers better writers than him

Wannabe screenwriter less talented than boss, secretary and janitor

Aspiring screenwriter Joe Grable has written more than a dozen scripts since 2002, but despite his belief to the contrary, this doesn’t mean he’s a better writer than his coworkers.

“Everyone at the office is jealous because they know I’ll be a big Hollywood writer someday,” said Grable, a claims adjuster at a Seattle-based insurance company. “I mean, I’ve been repped for six months now, so it’s clearly going to pop for me soon. I just feel bad for all my coworkers, stuck in their dead-end jobs.”

While Grable’s coworkers don’t wish him any ill will, they do dispute the fact that he’s the best writer among them.

“I’ve read Joe’s scripts, and frankly, they’re fairly mediocre,” said Jerry Smith, Grable’s boss. “Now Tony the janitor…that guy can write. I once read a self-published novel of his, and he’s way more talented than Joe. Also, Glenda from accounting once wrote me a birthday card I enjoyed more than any of Joe’s scripts, which he incessantly forces us to give him feedback on.”

Added Smith: “Of course anytime we give him criticism, you can see that vein in his forehead bulging. Then he mumbles something about talent and stalks off in a huff.”

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The Top 30 Day Jobs For Aspiring Writers (And Why)

30. Waiter – Many writers have been discovered while waiting tables in LA. You, on the other hand, will be working at an Applebee’s in Little Rock, but you never know, right?

29. Veterinarian – Animals smell fear, but they can’t smell hackery, and that’s what you should be most worried about.

28. Babysitter – It lets you spend time with people who whine almost as much as you.

27. Dentist – Because sometimes it’s fun being the one dishing out the pain.

26. Used Car Salesman – You get to practice convincing people a piece of shit is worth spending a bunch of money on.

25. English Teacher – It’s the closest you’ll get to being a writer, and you can even pretend you’re “giving back” to younger scribes, taking focus off the fact you’re really just failing miserably with your own work.

24. Blogger – If you’re going to write a bunch of inane crap nobody wants to read, might as well do it for free.

23. Librarian – If you’re surrounded by books 8 hours a day, it might dawn on you to read one or two of them, instead of simply watching Pulp Fiction and assuming you now have all the knowledge you need to pen a great script.

22. Janitor – Free access to a dumpster, which will come in handy for your piles of terrible scripts that need disposing.

21. Proctologist – Succeeding as a writer involves an intimate knowledge of kissing people’s asses, so you might as well make sure as many of those assholes as possible are in good working order.

20. Security Guard – Unlike the 32 scripts you’ve registered with the WGA, you might actually get to protect something people want to steal.

19. Corporate Secretary – Taking notes from jerks with giant egos? Yes, you’ll need that skill.

18. Crossing Guard – If you get lucky, the agent who rejected your query might wander into your intersection, and that’s when you strike!

17. Boom Operator – Spending so much time in close proximity to actors might cause you to re-think a career in Hollywood altogether, paving the way for your future in insurance sales.

16. Starbucks Employee – It just feels right.

15. McDonald’s Cashier – It feels wrong, but at least you can pretend to be ‘slow’ and then everyone will leave you alone.

14. Script Reader – If you read enough scripts, you might find a few that are worse than yours.

13. Script Consultant – Those who can’t do, teach. Those who can’t teach? They consult.

12. Proofreader – You’re not very good at analyzing important things like story and structure, but you’ve got a keen eye for spotting spelling errors. Good for you.

11. Advertising Copywriter – Write enough TV commercials and you can trick yourself into thinking you’re one step away from Hollywood.

10. Marketing Copywriter – Most people won’t know the difference, so you can tell them you work as an advertising copywriter, which (as we know) is one step away from Hollywood.

9. Bartender – Free access to booze and the women who drink too much of it.

8. Taxi Driver – Your lack of command of the English language will come in handy here.

7. Guidance Counselor – You’ve already messed up your own life with unrealistic dreams. Now it’s time to ruin other people’s lives too.

6. Youth Pastor – It’s like you’re a guidance counselor, except this time you get to ruin people’s lives with religion.

5. Carpenter – With so much experience creating wooden characters, you’d be a natural.

4. Construction Worker – If you’re going to bang your head against a wall every single night of your life, it helps to have a spare hard hat. Oh, was this one lame? Sue me.

3. Video Store Employee – If it’s good enough for Quentin Tarantino, it’s good enough for you. The only difference is that it will still be good enough for you the rest of your life.

2. Bus Driver – When thoughts of suicide overwhelm you following your latest rejection, the prospect of taking 20 or 30 strangers with you off that cliff might be just enough motivation to not go through with it.

1. Actor – If you’re going to butcher so many scripts, you might as well do it while also getting paid for another job on set.

Think we missed a job? Add it in the comments.


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Aspiring writer celebrates ‘weak consider’ with $150 steak dinner

Meaningless milestone barely worthy of a Big Mac


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