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Bitter nerd issues final demands to ‘Lost’ writers via message board

Comic collector and EverQuest champion Curtis Callahan submitted his final list of demands to the writers of “Lost” Friday evening, sending the show’s writing staff scrambling to meet the unemployed 31-year-old’s grandiose expectations for the program’s final season.

Using a message board entitled “Gamer Forum,” Callahan warned the show’s writers they have until the end of this season to deliver a final twist that not only wraps up every single story element ever introduced in the show, but also reveals some massive, mind-bending reality that was “there all along.”

Added Callahan: “And it’d better have the smoke monster.”

“You don’t say ‘no’ to Curtis Callahan,” said Damon Lindelof, the show’s executive producer and head writer. “His opinion is too important.”

Callahan also made a checklist of issues that he feels need to be addressed in the show’s final season, as well as areas in which he could have easily done a better job.

“That’s why we look to Callahan,” said Lindelof. “Because he knows a hell of a lot more about writing great television than we do. Take, for instance, the smoke monster. Had we only made it the focal point of Season 2 instead of the intriguingly volatile relationship between Jack Shephard and John Locke, maybe we could spend all day chatting with other misanthropic weirdoes instead of being stuck on this highly successful show.”

Callahan has been known to crack the whip when he feels his superior intellect is not being adequately served. It was reported last month that his blog review of “Avatar” caused director James Cameron to cry after Callahan referred to him as a “white-haired hack.”

“So many years of work,” said Cameron, lowering his head in humiliation. “All I wanted was his approval.”

Submitted by K.G. MadMan

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2009: Or Everything That Happened This Year, In Satirical Script Form

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Lists are great.

But sometimes you have to experience Hollywood events in script form. Like the year of 2009, for example.

Download 2009: The Script (PDF)

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Top 10 Innovations In Upcoming Avatar Film

10. Makes your popcorn taste like buttered binary code
9. Guaranteed Seizure Technology™
8. For first time ever, a character will exist only in your mind
7. Entire screen literally wrapped around your fucking face
6. Sequel hyped with “groundbreaking mid-movie teaser trailer”
5. Even the actors forced to wear 3D glasses
4. Picture-in-picture features Cameron explaining why every scene is awesome
3. New color invented: blurple
2. Entire movie shot on Sony Hyper Digital UltraLux Version 2.1.Chrome
1. No more seats. Audience encouraged to bow during screening

Have you heard of more impressive innovations? List them in the comments section.

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Experts worry Cameron’s ‘Avatar’ may explode your brain upon viewing

‘Could also force you to crap yourself’

james-cameron-avatar-2 James Cameron has always been known as a technical pioneer, but he may be poised to take things a little too far with his upcoming Avatar movie, set to hit theaters late this year. According to several reliable sources, the new film is so visually stunning, it will rupture both your head and your ass.

“Remember when kids were having seizures because of Pokémon?” asked Thomas Herlander of UCLA’s Brain Research Lab. “That was nothing. When this movie hits Imax, we could be talking about mass death and defecation. People simply cannot handle this type of entertainment.”

But the warnings have only fueled even more interest in the pic among the studio’s core audience.

“I can’t wait to have my brain blown up!” posted Geek4Lyfe on the popular site aintitcool.com. “And I can’t remember the last time a movie made me drop a deuce. It’s gonna be killer!”

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