‘So you’ve been doing this unpaid for six years? Here’s my number!’
Hooters waitress Allison Brenner recently found herself attracted to unemployed writer Bob Smith, after learning Smith had been writing screenplays for half a dozen years, despite not earning a single penny from it.
“Talk about irresistible,” said Brenner, fawning over the 29-year-old scribe as he shoveled wings into his mouth. “So he hasn’t made any money. Big deal. Who wants some rich lawyer or accountant when I can have a man with real passion and tons of untapped potential?”
Added Brenner: “So what if he’s bald. Most artists are!”
Smith, who makes a living as an office temp in the greater Los Angeles area, wasn’t surprised at Brenner’s reaction.
“The ladies like a man with a plan,” he said. “Once I start selling some specs and move into directing, her decision to date me will pay off. She’s getting in on the ground floor here. Benderspink is reading one of my scripts right now, actually.”
When asked what else she liked about Smith, the gorgeous Venice native gushed.
“Oh he’s really intense about his work,” she said. “One time he spent a whole year rewriting the same idea, over and over. Plus he’s a fast typer. A guy like that…those must be some magic fingers.”
Also contemplates preemptively suing prodco for stealing premise
New Jersey scribe Allan Markum recently took the day off work to focus on “one of the biggest career decisions of his life.” Specifically, he was trying to decide whether he should sign Benderspink’s release form.
“I wasn’t comfortable with eleven aspects of the deal,” said Markum, referring to the 1-page, industry-standard release. “It’s like the whole document is geared toward protecting Benderspink. What about my rights? How do I know they won’t just steal my script, cast a bunch of big-name actors in it, turn it into a $400 million blockbuster…and then leave me out of the profits entirely?”
Chief among Markum’s concerns was the clause indemnifying Benderspink should they happen to already be developing a concept similar to his submission.
“See, now I’m thinking they’ve already seen my query,” he said. “They probably sent me this ‘special form’ to trick me into signing away the rights for my totally original love potion comedy. I talked to my cousin, a divorce lawyer in Philadelphia, and he said I could probably sue them right now.”
For now, Markum plans to simply keep a close eye on Benderspink – and every single project they develop or produce over the next decade.
His hope to erode slowly and painfully over time
For more than eight years, aspiring screenwriter Ben Simons has been looking forward to the day he sells his first feature script. That day will never come, according to most industry experts.
“Oh, I read one of Ben’s scripts last year,” said ICM agent Paula Barker. “Well I guess I read like five pages of it, to be more accurate. I think it was about killer hamsters or something…pretty awful.”
That script, Hamsterphobia, did not ultimately sell or garner interest from any reps in Hollywood, much to Simons’ confusion.
“I really thought I had something with Hamsterphobia,” he said. “No worries, though. My structure has improved so much since then. I’m sure this new script is the one that will kick off my career. It’s super-high concept and totally commercial.”
Benderspink’s Todd Larouche disagrees.
“A script about a guy who loses his virginity to a nun?” said Larouche. “That’s neither high concept nor commercial. This guy should just give up.”
‘I nailed it’ claims delusional scribe
Aspiring screenwriter Bob Templeton walked out of Benderspink’s offices on Wednesday believing he made a good impression on manager JC Spink. Unfortunately, that was not the case.
“What a nutjob,” said Spink, as his assistant dabbed a paper towel in the sweat puddle Templeton left on the couch. “The kid’s writing is okay, but there’s no way I can send him around town if he’s going to act like that.”
According to Spink, Templeton’s constant voice-cracking, profuse sweating and inability to form intelligible sentences were just a few of the reasons he won’t be getting an offer of representation anytime soon.
“I’m also not a fan of the cardigan look,” added Spink. “I wish him the best of luck in the future, of course.”
Templeton, meanwhile, thinks he nailed it.
“I was a little nervous going into the meeting, but I got over that quickly and settled into a nice rhythm,” he said. “I was funny, articulate and showed I’m good in a room. Combined with my writing ability, I’m basically the total package.”