‘I just love that red swirl’ says Endeavor agent
‘Aw, that’s so nice for them’ says Lourd
With reports coming in that the Endeavor-WMA merger is basically a done deal, many industry observers are interested to see whether the new company will take a run at Creative Artists Agency, widely considered the top talent firm in Hollywood.
But if CAA officials are worried, they’re not showing it.
“We’re happy for those guys,” said CAA partner Bryan Lourd. “They really deserve each other. WMA is so cute with its music and TV divisions, and Endeavor is just plain adorable with that sparkplug Ari [Emanuel] at the reins. Good for them, I say!”
Kevin Huvane agreed.
“I’ve always felt bad for them. You know, because they’re not us,” he said. “Maybe this will improve their self-esteem a bit.”
‘Her shrill reign of terror has gone on long enough’ say agency officials
Negotiations between William Morris and Endeavor had been riddled with personnel and structural disagreements for weeks, but the agencies finally agreed to call off merger talks for a surprising reason yesterday: to prove Nikki Finke wrong.
“[Finke] always tries to get ahead of the news like some shrill gossip columnist,” said WMA chief Jim Wiatt, referring to Finke’s hyperbolic prediction last month that the deal would eventually go through. “She’s had a nice run at the top, but this is Hollywood, so we figured it was her time to go down.”
Endeavor’s Ari Emanuel agreed, noting that negotiations were actually progressing quite nicely until someone brought up the idea of nixing the deal to spite the LA Weekly columnist.
“On the one hand it’s tough because she’s basically in love with me,” said Emanuel. “We pretty much treat her like an extension of our PR department. At the same time, who can stand her? The idea of showing everyone how clueless she really is…well that was just too good to pass up, for everyone involved.”
When asked if spite was worth a deal that could benefit both companies, Emanuel shrugged.
“Only time will tell,” he said. “It’s not like we needed a new music division anyway.”
‘What? I thought it was a nice gesture’
Merger talks between Endeavor and William Morris Agency recently hit a snag when Endeavor head Ari Emanuel offered to put WMA’s Jim Wiatt out of his misery by taking him to a field and “putting him down.”
“Apparently, [Wiatt] wasn’t interested in that kind of arrangement,” said Emanuel. “I even offered to let him do it himself, on his own terms, but he wasn’t interested in that either. I don’t think he has a full grasp of the situation.”
According to industry experts, Wiatt may want to reconsider.
“If it were me, I’d rather have it over quick,” said a rival agency CEO. “In many ways, Jim really does remind me of Old Yeller, actually.”
When asked for comment, Wiatt scoffed.
“That’s just Ari being a prick again,” he said. “Everyone knows I’m indispensible, no matter what Nikki Finke reports on her blog. What the hell is a blog, anyway?”
Discussions are ongoing.
Agency quickly claims number is untrue
It’s a milestone 34 years in the making, and one that has brought the entire Creative Artists Agency together to celebrate the guiding principle of their company.
“We say whatever it takes to get the job done,” said CAA agent Bob Drake. “If that means telling a client their script was sent to Disney even though we have no intention of even reading it…that’s the discipline.”
The most common lies told over the last three decades relate to creating buzz for a project.
“Talent is circling. Paramount is interested. I’ve told them all,” said a CAA partner, who asked not to be identified because he told another partner just this morning that he would stop leaking quotes to the press. “We pride ourselves in representing only the best and the brightest. If that’s not actually the case, then we’ve got to lie our asses off to make people believe it is. This isn’t fucking Paradigm or Endeavor. We make real money here.”
Elves to stay put at UTA–for now
Hollywood reps disappointed by scribe’s work, despite ‘promising’ last name
Aspiring screenwriter Michael Goldenbergstein should be cranking out hilarious scripts left and right, claims Endeavor agent Josh Hanson.
He just isn’t.
“It’s like the guy isn’t even Jewish at all,” said Hanson. “I figured he might be the next Woody Allen or Larry David, but now I’m thinking he’s just German or Polish or whatever. Talk about a letdown.”
Hanson wasn’t the only rep taken in by Goldenbergstein’s query letter.
“You see a name like that attached to a script called ‘Beer Run,’ and you get your hopes up,” said Brent McGowan of William Morris. “But I gotta tell you…I didn’t laugh once. Chosen, my ass. This guy probably hasn’t eaten a bagel in years.”
Interest in script overpowered by less clear factors
“I’d love to read your script,” an Endeavor agent told screenwriter Paul Boden at a party in the Hollywood hills last weekend. “I just can’t.”
When asked to clarify exactly what’s stopping her, the agent hedged.
“Oh, I know how to read. I just can’t accept any new material right now. I’d love to, but it’s simply not a possibility for the foreseeable future. I’m sure you understand.”
But Boden didn’t understand. A few hours later, he bumped into the Endeavor rep outside by the pool. The conversation eventually meandered back around to Boden’s script.
“So it’s about a teenage master thief whose father is a police detective?” asked the agent. “Wow, I like that so much I almost want to read it. But, as you know, I just can’t. Ooh, they have brie cheese.”
The agent then scooped a nice dollop of cheese onto a cracker and changed the subject to all the scripts she actually has read recently.