Tag Archives: Hollywood assistant
‘This is a new low’ she admits, ashamed of herself
Molly Durant, or “Stubbybutt” as she’s known around the office, has been trying to convince herself to quit her job for months, but something inside keeps her going.
“That something died a little bit this morning when I actually laughed after Bill told me I was looking extra stubby in 2010,” she said, referring to Bill Stridell, her boss. “I’m so ashamed.”
Durant, who graduated in the top five percent of her class at Yale, has been toiling as an agent’s assistant since early 2008, hoping to achieve her dreams of one day being a talent rep to the stars.
“My family keeps telling me I should use my degree in psychology and open my own practice, but I want to give this Hollywood thing a fair shot,” she said. “Still, it’s a little disconcerting that I’ve grown to like it when people insult me. I guess it’s some twisted form of validation.”
Added Durant: “But at least there’s a 1 in 50 chance I’ll make agent someday. ”
Helps him cope with constant urge to murder boss
Anxiously eyes bathroom while rolling calls
Moments after polishing off his second bottled water of the morning, CAA assistant Tony Anderson knew it was a mistake.
“I felt that dreaded tingle in my bladder,” he said. “Anytime I have that tingle before 10:30, I know there’s gonna be trouble come 11:45 or so when my legs inevitably start shaking uncontrollably, and the tingle turns to sharp shooting pain. Why do I always do this to myself?”
If Anderson had a normal job, the Princeton grad would simply take a quick restroom break and remedy the situation. But the life of an assistant is anything but normal, as evidenced by the lengths Anderson has gone to make sure he doesn’t miss a single one of his boss’s calls.
“I remember back in November when I had food poisoning,” said Anderson. “Probably the worst week of my life. Thank God for Depends.”
Still, Anderson’s doctor thinks the overworked assistant should consider a career change.
“For a 25-year-old, he does seem to have an inordinate number of bladder infections,” said Dr. Mark Grissom. “His blood pressure is also about 200% higher than I’d like to see.”
Also limited to one free bathroom visit per day; $2 a flush after that
According to WME officials, the “employee space-leasing program” was necessary to cut costs and also account for the fact that many assistants will be treating the office like an apartment as a result of the 50-hour workweek recently instituted.
“Too long have we coddled our assistants with unlimited Internet access and free air conditioning,” said a WME executive. “One percent of those bastards will eventually get rich as a result of their years of sacrifice, so it’s time those little pricks started pulling their weight around here. This is an agency, not an orphanage.”
Despite the harsh working conditions, Bellario, a 28-year-old Princeton grad with a master’s degree in business, chooses to see the bright side.
“Apparently, $200 is a pretty competitive lease rate for such prime location, and it’s only a quarter of my salary,” he said. “I also plan to spit in my boss’s coffee every day for a month, so that will make me feel better, too.”