Tag Archives: literary agent

Agent unsure if nervous writer was crying or sweating

Either way, rep having second thoughts

CAA agent Bob McElroy prefers to work with veteran writers, but after he read Tom Nettle’s hilarious action-comedy, he decided to give the 24-year-old scribe a chance.

“That was before I met him,” said McElroy. “Now I’m thinking, ‘Was that sweat on his face, or did he just get really scared and start crying?’”

According to McElroy, the meet-and-greet with Nettle wasn’t even a minute old before the literary agent noticed drops of liquid on Nettle’s cheeks.

“My first guess was sweat, but then I realized it was like 65 degrees in the office. On the other hand, I’ve made a lot of people cry in my life, and I don’t think I said anything remotely worthy of that response,” said McElroy. “Whatever. I can’t send an unstable psycho like that on meetings. This is why I like veteran writers.”

Nettle, however, thought the meeting went just fine.

“I was a little nervous at the beginning…it’s CAA, after all,” he said. “But after I got done crying, I think we really connected. I can’t wait to start pitching assignments!”

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Unemployed agent refuses to let repo man get his BMW

‘Recession or no recession, that’s my fucking Beamer!’

bmwMark Hanson can no longer afford the $939 monthly lease payment on his silver 650i convertible, but that isn’t stopping the 34-year-old former WMA literary agent from trying to hang onto his most prized possession.

“Let’s just say those bastards have to find ‘Chelsea’ before they can tow her,” said Hanson. “And I’ve got a lot of friends with three- and four-car garages. I’d rather die than give up my baby.”

Hanson, whose actual baby lives with his ex-wife and is draining his savings at an alarming rate, doesn’t regret leasing the car eight months ago, despite the fact it was nearly twice as much as he could afford.

“I was a big-timer,” he said. “I mean, I’m still a big-timer. Look, the point is the BMW is mine. And anyone who thinks he can take it from me has another thing coming.”

Hanson then removed the foreclosure notice from his home’s front door, tore it up and pretended like the whole thing never happened.

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Agent pays more attention to fantasy football team than client’s new spec

Managing ‘Wilshire Ballers’ occupies most of rep’s time

agent-talk-logoUnited Talent Agency’s Bobby Demarco has his priorities in order, which is why he recently dodged a phone call from one of his young writers so he could focus his attention on trying to pick a third receiver up off waivers.

“I’ve guided the Ballers to three straight championships,” he said. “That writer hasn’t even optioned a script yet. Maybe I’ll get around to reading his spec after the season.”

According to Demarco, playing fantasy football feeds his passion for sports and helps keep him grounded while he builds a career in the fast-paced world of Hollywood agenting.

“It’s also way more fun than dealing with whiny clients, most of whom are talentless hacks, to be honest,” he said. “Peyton Manning, on the other hand? There’s no denying that guy’s skills. In fact, he’s probably a better writer than most of the people I represent.”

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Agent’s boilerplate response gives eight more writers false hope

Terms like ‘fun read’ and ‘interesting characters’ entirely misleading

agent-talk-logoParadigm literary agent Mark Hamlin isn’t trying to ruin lives, but that’s exactly what he’s doing every time he sends another writer his standard rejection email, which contains a disingenuous mix of vaguely positive feedback.

“By using phrases like ‘you might be on to something’, Hamlin is fooling these horrible writers into thinking they should stick with it, as opposed to quit immediately, which is what most of them should obviously do,” said WGA executive director David Young. “These people are not WGA material, but Hamlin keeps encouraging them. On the upside, we make $20 every time they register one of their awful scripts with us, so at least something good comes out of it.”

According to Hamlin, he was just trying to be nice.

“Half the time I don’t even get past page 15,” he said. “But I figure if I send these people a cordial email with random comments that could apply to almost any script out there, who gets hurt in the process?”

Unfortunately, it would seem to be the writers.

“My wife divorced me because she couldn’t take my screenwriting obsession anymore,” said aspiring scribe John Parker, 49. “I tried to show her [Mark Hamlin’s] email so she knew how close I was to making it, but it was too late. Ah well, I’ll find a hot chick when I’m a big-time writer-director.”

Added Parker: “You saw the email. I’ve got a real ‘ear for dialogue’ and my writing ‘shows a lot of promise.’”

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Agent finally gets around to reading 2007 holiday card

Still hasn’t looked at 2-year-old script sent in by same writer

agent-talk-logoLiterary agent Michael Hansen made a considerable dent in his reading pile yesterday, finally opening a Christmas card sent to him in December of last year by aspiring screenwriter Phil Smithe.

“I still haven’t got to his script, though,” said Hansen. “In fact, I think I may have given it to my old assistant as a birthday present.”

According to the busy lit agent, Smithe emailed him in March to see if he’d read either the holiday card or the family comedy ‘Kidasaurus Rex’ about an elementary school student who wakes up a dinosaur with super powers.

“I told him I was halfway through the card, but I hadn’t started the script yet,” said Hansen. “He emailed me back right away thanking me for the read and reminding me that he’d recently self-published a book about dinosaurs, so the idea ‘already had some traction’ in the marketplace.”

Hansen plans to read Smithe’s 2008 holiday card sometime after he retires.

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