Tag Archives: Mosaic

Angry producer demands less original draft

‘I explicitly requested a Superbad knockoff’

A development meeting at Mosaic nearly turned into a fistfight yesterday when producer Alex White went ballistic on first-time writer Josh Ellingsley, who dared to turn in what White termed “an original take” on the prodco’s teen comedy idea.

“It’s so nice you’ve decided to add your own voice to this piece,” said White, referring to Ellingsley’s script ‘Ultranerds’ about three dorky friends who vow to rig the voting for prom king and queen so the popular kids don’t win. “I guess the only problem is that I explicitly fucking told you I wanted a ‘Superbad’ knockoff. What’s this bullshit with the cancer subplot?”

Ellingsley, who is being paid guild minimum for the job – but has yet to receive a dime – defended his plot choices.

“This is much more emotionally powerful,” he said. “I really think teens will respond to Ralphy’s plight as he battles cancer and tries to get a date for prom at the same time. It’s got heart and it’s got laughs.”

According to witnesses, White patiently waited until the tyro scribe was done talking, then mock-wiped his ass with the script, lit it on fire and spent the next twenty minutes berating Ellingsley for being “stupid, slow and retarded.”

“Alex was probably a little harsh on the kid,” said Mosaic assistant Bob Cantrell. “He probably should have stopped shouting once Josh peed himself and agreed to remove any semblance of originality.”

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Producer’s notes focus solely on lack of product placement

‘We haven’t even mentioned Apple yet’

Mosaic producer Bob Jensen recently tore into screenwriter Kevin Hart over a lack of product placement opportunities in his script ‘Spear of the Gods’ set in ancient Greece.

“This is a $90 million production at least,” said Jensen. “I don’t care if it’s set in 2009 or 29 B.C. – you better work in some product placements fast, before we get stuck in turnaround.”

According to the miffed producer, possible references could include the main character, a young warrior, taking a bite of an apple, winking at camera, and then mentioning how “there are definitely no viruses in this thing” and “it sure would make a great computer someday, if I knew what a computer was!”

Hart, an unproduced writer, was diplomatic about the notes.

“Bob does have a point, I guess,” he said. “If they can work the Container Store and Ford into ‘Year One,’ there’s no reason I can’t figure out a way to fulfill the studio’s obligations to Nintendo and Pizza Hut.”

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Hollywood professionals return from “vacations” surprisingly orange

Refuse to admit they couldn’t afford lavish trips this year

ICM agent Lisa Rendell returned from “two weeks in Hawaii” refreshed, happy and dark orange, according to her assistant Molly.

“She looks like an Oompa Loompa,” said the assistant. “I thought she went to Maui, not the paint aisle at Home Depot. Her face is nasty.”

Rendell wasn’t the only one looking a bit off-color. Nearly 72% of industry professionals came back from their “warm weather destinations” looking as if someone slapped a coat of orange paint on their normally pale skin.

“It was like an army of George Hamiltons coming at me,” said a Beverly Hills Starbucks employee, of the unusually colorful morning crush. “I thought these people were supposed to be rich. Maybe they couldn’t afford vacations this year, but they didn’t want other people to know.”

Despite the telltale signs of spray-on tans, many in Hollywood refused to acknowledge the fake tanning.

“South America is so amazing this time of year,” said Mosaic producer Dan Flacco, resembling a member of the Gotti family. “Man, my life is fucking fabulous.”

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