A Quick Review Of The Week’s Top News…

12/17/08
SAG changes logo to double-smile in bold PR move
‘Might help with negotiations’ says guild prez

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12/16/08
CAA celebrates 1,000,000,000th query letter rejected
Venerable agency throws lavish party to commemorate ‘ass-tightedness’

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12/15/08
Ben Silverman back on the crunk

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12/14/08
Grateful screenwriter finds quarter in futon

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12/13/08
Your script dies a hero in producer’s fireplace

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12/12/08
Gilroy takes Diablo Cody’s advice, turns to stripping
Scribe hopes it will bolster future Oscar chances

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12/11/08
Clooney forgets to wax eyebrows for two straight weeks

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AMPTP proposes controversial private jet clause

‘Every 20 actors hired, we get another Gulfstream’

Negotiators for the Alliance of Motion Picture & Television Producers went on the offensive over the weekend, amending their “final offer” to include a new clause stipulating that SAG must give the producers a new private jet for every 20 actors hired.

“If SAG leadership is going to ignore the economic realities during this bargaining process by asking for ridiculous concessions like 2% raises and slightly better residuals, then we want more jets,” said an AMPTP spokesperson. “I’m pretty sure I need my own Gulfstream as badly as some no-name character actor needs health insurance.”

According to the AMPTP, the “Jet Clause” is simply the first of many demands the AMPTP plans to bring to the table if SAG continues to stall.

“Next week it could be required handjobs for the EP at the wrap of every day,” said the spokesperson. “There’s no telling what we might come up with. Hell, some of the studio heads want to wipe out actors altogether and move to 100% animation.”

Delusional AFTRA member thinks strike might be his chance to headline $100 million feature

‘I’m the guy from that penis pump infomercial’ says vaguely familiar actor

AFTRA member Bob Donner has appeared in more than 15 informercials or corporate videos since 1987, giving him a wealth of experience he hopes to draw on if a SAG strike comes to pass.

“Studios can’t just stop making movies,” said Donner. “Sooner or later they’ll need someone to play Hercules or Superman or maybe even the next [James] Bond. And I’ve got the chops to do just that.”

Added Donner: “I’m the guy from that penis pump commercial.”

When asked what he thought of AFTRA members taking the jobs of guild members, SAG President Alan Rosenberg was diplomatic.

“Well, we’re supposed to be negotiating partners with AFTRA in this whole thing, so I can’t be too critical of them,” he said. “At the same time, it’s kind of a joke, right? Last time I checked, Paramount wasn’t about to prop up its latest tentpole with a guy who once did voiceover work for a Taco Bell radio commercial.”

Donner disagreed.

“I can do everything Russell Crowe can do, for a fraction of the price,” he said. “Just give my new plugs a week to take hold, and I’m good to go.”

Judge Judy steps in to mediate AMPTP-SAG negotiations

‘Won’t take any lip from either side’

In an effort to avert a second guild strike in less than a year, the government has assigned sassy TV personality Judge Judy as federal mediator in the ongoing AMPTP-SAG negotiations.

“We could not be happier with their choice,” said SAG executive director Doug Allen. “Judge Judy is in the unique position of understanding the law, Hollywood and negotiating tactics. Plus she’s got some ‘tude on her!”

The stern TV judge has promised to bring a quick end to the proceedings.

“I won’t stand for any shenanigans by these jerks,” she said, referring to both sides. “Between the whiny actors and the selfish, egotistical producers, we’ve got a whole lot of crybabies in this town. Well guess what? Playtime’s over!”

After just one day on the job, Judge Judy has already fostered an environment conducive to shouting, theatrics and simple life lessons.

“It’s going great!” said an AMPTP spokesperson. “I’ve never had this much fun crushing people’s dreams – anything goes when double-J is on the bench!”