Bob Benson’s romantic comedy about two beat cops who fall in love was recently linked to a crippling strain of Reader’s Block, affecting everyone from his own mother to many of Hollywood’s busiest assistants.
“I don’t know anyone that’s been able to get past page four,” said ICM assistant Sally Weaver, referring to ‘To Beat Or Not To Beat.’ “In fact, the script has affected my other reading duties. Ever since I put it down, I’ve been unable to read anything else without feeling nauseous.”
Benson’s mother was not yet convinced her son’s script is the cause of her Reader’s Block.
“Oh I don’t think this has anything to do with Bobby’s stories,” she said. “I’ve been meaning to get new glasses for months. That’s probably the cause of it. He’s so talented. Now could you be a dear and read this shopping list for me? Words repulse me. You know, because of the glasses.”
New cases of the strain are being discovered hourly, prompting many agencies and production companies to instruct their personnel to postpone all reading until copies of Benson’s script can be deleted from their computer systems.
“We have to stop this now before it spreads,” said one industry insider. “God forbid someone finishes the script and gets coverage of it in the hands of executives. The entire industry could grind to a halt.”
‘It would really spice things up’ he says of dramatic thriller
Screenwriter Allan Goldblatt thought producer Mark Smith was joking about re-imagining the fireman’s wife as a zombie, but the ten awkward seconds of silence that followed suggest Smith may in fact have been serious about the change.
“I’ve heard some pretty terrible notes before, but that one takes the cake,” said Goldblatt. “I’d love to see him tell the retired fireman who wrote the book this script is based on that we decided to make his caring wife a bloodthirsty zombie instead.”
According to Smith, he was simply trying to make the script more studio-friendly.
“Zombies are big right now,” he said. “Judging by the look on Allan’s face, you’d think I was trying to fuck his sister or something. I mean, how badass would it be if the wife was like this horny zombie ‘cougar,’ cheating on the husband left and right – but he never has any proof because she keeps eating her lovers! Now that’s what I call drama!”
Goldblatt was last seen meandering into the ocean, fully clothed, at high tide.
‘She’s great in a room’
Sheila the receptionist is finally getting her shot to write a feature film, thanks in no small part to the fact she lets Paramount exec Ronny Halperin “have his way with her” every Tuesday afternoon in her Santa Monica studio apartment.
“I’ve always loved Hollywood!” exclaimed Sheila Madison, 22, a high school graduate. “So I told Ronny, I said ‘hey Ronny, can I write that new movie about the crime guys and stuff?’”
According to Madison, Halperin initially laughed at the idea, but he quickly changed his mind when she threatened to tell his wife about their arrangement.
“I can’t wait to start coming up with ideas for my movie,” said Madison. “I’m pretty sure I want the main character to be played by Reese Witherspoon. She’s hilarious!”
This marks the second time screenwriter Bob Thomas has been replaced on a project by someone who has no writing experience. The previous incident involved a producer’s unemployed nephew.
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