Tag Archives: WMA

Unemployed agent refuses to let repo man get his BMW

‘Recession or no recession, that’s my fucking Beamer!’

bmwMark Hanson can no longer afford the $939 monthly lease payment on his silver 650i convertible, but that isn’t stopping the 34-year-old former WMA literary agent from trying to hang onto his most prized possession.

“Let’s just say those bastards have to find ‘Chelsea’ before they can tow her,” said Hanson. “And I’ve got a lot of friends with three- and four-car garages. I’d rather die than give up my baby.”

Hanson, whose actual baby lives with his ex-wife and is draining his savings at an alarming rate, doesn’t regret leasing the car eight months ago, despite the fact it was nearly twice as much as he could afford.

“I was a big-timer,” he said. “I mean, I’m still a big-timer. Look, the point is the BMW is mine. And anyone who thinks he can take it from me has another thing coming.”

Hanson then removed the foreclosure notice from his home’s front door, tore it up and pretended like the whole thing never happened.

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CAA officials find Endeavor-WMA merger extremely cute

‘Aw, that’s so nice for them’ says Lourd

agent-talk-logoWith reports coming in that the Endeavor-WMA merger is basically a done deal, many industry observers are interested to see whether the new company will take a run at Creative Artists Agency, widely considered the top talent firm in Hollywood.

But if CAA officials are worried, they’re not showing it.

“We’re happy for those guys,” said CAA partner Bryan Lourd. “They really deserve each other. WMA is so cute with its music and TV divisions, and Endeavor is just plain adorable with that sparkplug Ari [Emanuel] at the reins. Good for them, I say!”

Kevin Huvane agreed.

“I’ve always felt bad for them. You know, because they’re not us,” he said. “Maybe this will improve their self-esteem a bit.”

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Ari Emanuel offends William Morris CEO by offering to take him out in field and shoot him

‘What? I thought it was a nice gesture’

agent-talk-logoMerger talks between Endeavor and William Morris Agency recently hit a snag when Endeavor head Ari Emanuel offered to put WMA’s Jim Wiatt out of his misery by taking him to a field and “putting him down.”

“Apparently, [Wiatt] wasn’t interested in that kind of arrangement,” said Emanuel. “I even offered to let him do it himself, on his own terms, but he wasn’t interested in that either. I don’t think he has a full grasp of the situation.”

According to industry experts, Wiatt may want to reconsider.

“If it were me, I’d rather have it over quick,” said a rival agency CEO. “In many ways, Jim really does remind me of Old Yeller, actually.”

When asked for comment, Wiatt scoffed.

“That’s just Ari being a prick again,” he said. “Everyone knows I’m indispensible, no matter what Nikki Finke reports on her blog. What the hell is a blog, anyway?”

Discussions are ongoing.

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Screenwriter confident agency readers won’t notice 9-point type

Behemoth World War II epic now a ‘breezy’ 118 pages

Josh Dernier had to pull out all the stops to get his script “Allied Forces” under the magic 120-page mark, but the Omaha-based screenwriter insists nobody will notice.

“The difference between 12-point type and 11-point type is imperceptible,” said Dernier. “So I shrunk it down another two points, reduced the margins to an eighth of an inch, and shipped that sucker out. Once people get engaged in the story, the script just flies by anyway.”

Despite Dernier’s confidence, WMA reader Allan Frampton knew something was off the moment he started reading Forces.

“I thought there was a lot of black on the page, but I figured I’d give it a chance,” he said. “When it took me a half-hour to get through eight pages, I knew something was up.”

According to UTA assistant Bob Tunney, margins and small type weren’t the script’s only problems.

“In addition to sucking, the dialogue blocks were almost as wide as the action paragraphs,” said Tunney. “And I don’t want to sound paranoid, but I think some of the page numbers were doubled up. I swear I was on page five for like twenty minutes.”

When asked the original page count of the script, Dernier was vague.

“It wasn’t like 200 or anything,” he said. “But it wasn’t 150, either. I can’t wait to hear back from those reps I sent it to.”

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